Fact. Ode to Dwight K. Shrute. Part Dos.

I enjoyed my little 'fact' post that I did recently, so I told myself, "You just need to do another one. It's a spectacular idea. Yeah. Everybody will like it. Just do it". Such peer pressure. So here we have it.

Fact: I went shopping today. I needed to shop so hard after spending all day locked in my house doing homework yesterday.

Fact: I was on a quest to find a fun NYE dress. I failed. I found no such dress.

Fact: Every dress I tried on would have shown my unmentionables if I bent over. I don't need to be pulling a Britney when I go out. Nobody needs that.

Fact: One dress I tried on had lots of glitter on it. Not sequins. Pure silver glitter. Now remember what I told you about glitter being the herpes of the craft world? Today it proved true once again. You will see why below.

Fact: Everyone was staring at me in the next store I was in. I mean, I'm used to it. I'm pretty stunning. However, when I looked in a mirror, I discovered the real reason for the stares.

Fact: I had silver glitter all over my face. Everywhere. In my hair. In my eyebrows. On my cheeks. I looked so beautiful. Like an angel. I almost cried.

Fact: And you all know you can't get rid of the stuff. So I wore my glitter proudly. I owned it. I don't see me being like Regina George and starting a glitter all over your body fad though.

Fact: When I took off my bra tonight to put my pajamas on, glitter fell out of my bra and went all over my floor. That dress had serious glitter leakage. Glad I didn't buy it.

Fact: My brother busted in my room earlier. I was standing in my bathroom naked. I screamed. He said he was glad I screamed. He quickly closed the door and managed to not see a thing. It was a close one.

Fact: I put a towel around myself and went to his room to see what he wanted. He said he didn't want anything. He just wanted to sing for me.

Fact: And this is why we're perfect roommates.

Fact: My brother doesn't sing for real. He's not some kid that you'd hear on Glee. That doesn't stop him though. He sings all.the.time. And whistles. But he sings nonsense and uses words like "leggo" and "dough bruh" in his original lyrics.

Fact: He's white.

Fact: One of my students came to school one day last week so angry. I mean, he was pissed. When he came in the room, he grabbed the sleeve of his huge puffy coat and slapped it against the classroom floor. It was very wrestler-ish. I asked him why he was angry. He said, "Santa didn't come last night". Oh dear. I had to explain that Santa doesn't come on December 8th.

Fact: Pray for me guys. Pray that I make it the next five days with Santa-crazed kindergarteners. I guess it doesn't help that I'm cramming North Pole goodness down their throats and it's not gonna stop any time soon.

Fact: I don't really cram anything down my kids throats. Just knowledge. Pure knowledge. And love. And the occasional craft covered with glitter.

Fact: I did cram lots down my throat yesterday. I did the Bad Santa thing. Remember when ol' Billy Bob  ate all of Thurman Merman's chocolates in his advent calendar? Yep. I did that. To my calendar. I ate 'em all up. All the way to number 24. It was December 10. I cheated big time.

Fact: I couldn't help it. I was stressed. I was working on my paper for 12 hours. I just needed chocolate. I tore that poor advent calendar to shreds.

Fact: 5 more days of school and then it's Santa time. Two whole weeks off.
Yeeeeaaaahhhh boyyyyyyyy.

Another Brick in the Wall.

I'm angry. I typed out this whole post and then lost it. It deleted itself. Just vanished. I hate having to do things over, so my second attempt isn't going to be nearly as good or witty. Rats.

I feel like I've been a more frequent poster of blogs recently. We can thank procrastination for that. The past few weeks have been crunch time in my class. My end of the semester projects have been due. To me, deadlines just mean avoidance, denial, and procrastination. What better way to avoid homework than by spending hours perusing Pinterest/Facebook/Twitter/Blogger.
Ashley has also been a professional procrastinator tonight. She worked hard making this little poster display since we're the spokeswomen for procrastination. I'm not sure if you were aware of that, but we are.

Here's my poster:

If that face doesn't say "panic", then I don't know what does. It definitely shows a panicking procrastinator. You know what else it shows? A nice double chin, that's what. That's not something that I need to panic about later. That's something that I need to panic about, umm, let's say, yesterday. Lay off the cheeseburgers, Sarah. I bet you all just scrolled back up to the picture to get a closer look. Am I right?

The end of the semester is wrapping up. Praise J.C. for that. My big case study is due this weekend. I'm just going to let you guess how far along I am on that little project. Then I'll have my final. Then I'm alllllllllllll finished. Until January 3rd when a new class begins. Boo for education. "Hey! Teacher! Leave them kids Sarah Marcum alone!"

Listen to this. My brother left gum in his pants and put them through the dryer AGAIN! Twice in a lifetime is too many times, but twice in a week? He's fired. Fired from ever chewing gum again. Fired from doing his laundry and any other domestic duties in my house. He's also fired from being my brother. The same poop-resembling skid marks that I scrubbed from the dryer the time of the last incident are all back again. With a vengeance. I found a half a piece of gum that survived the heat. I took it in his room and threw it at his face and yelled, "REALLY!?! AGAIN!?!" And then my head started to spin.

He may not be a laundry genius but he is sweet and I love him. Especially when he buys me food. He took me out to dinner on Saturday night to our favorite Mexican food joint. Sometimes it's awkward when the two of us go out together. I feel like people think we're dating. We're not. Let me just clarify that right now. Don't believe all the rumors you hear about Kentucky. I don't date my brother. Now my cousin on the other hand...KIDDING! Totally kidding.
It probably didn't help our 'we're just siblings and aren't dating' cause when we ordered dessert and split it. And then my brother picked up the tab. Eh. Who cares. What does that prove besides the fact that we like to eat and he's a gentleman (sometimes. Unless he's doing laundry).

I've been without heat for 5 nights. I told my parents that I need to quit teaching and get my contractors license. There's obviously a great need in this town. I've had the hardest time to get someone to come and repair my unit. I have a checkbook. Have checkbook, will write check. Anyone? Anyone?
I've been talking to an HVAC guy since Saturday. I've called this man more in the past several days than I have any other man in the past year. You'd think we were in a relationship. When I called him today (which was twice, by the way), I didn't even have to tell him who I was anymore. It was a casual, "Hey Doug. It's me." Like we're buddies. We're not going to be buddies anymore if he doesn't get his rear in gear. Supposedly he's coming tomorrow after school, but I've heard that story before. Like two other times before.

Do you all love school picture day as much as I do? I like it because teachers get a free complimentary pack of school pictures. Do any of you? We get an 8x10, a couple 3.5x5's, and a whole slew of wallet size pictures. It's semi-frightening to have a continuous page of your repeating picture. And even though it's the same shot, I swear you can start seeing differences between them. Or maybe that's just me and my faulty eyeballs. They're like those old Magic Eye books.

Stare at the multiple Sarah's and a magic image will appear...

If anyone wants one of the wallets, let me know and I'll send you one. I have plenty. I'll write you a special message typical of school pictures on the back like, "LYLAS, Sarah".

The funny thing is that I've been getting these picture packages every year that I've been teaching so I have all of these 8x10s of myself. What do I do with them? Should I start a hallway picture display? One like my Granny has in her hallway that's featuring all of her grandkids, but mine will just be featuring nothing but pictures of myself. High quality school yearbook pictures. I bet that wouldn't scare off any potential dating material boys. Wouldn't scare them off one bit. I can picture it now. They're in my house and need to go to the bathroom. They walk down the hall, see my line up of school pictures through the years...Bam. They suddenly remember that they have to go--and not as in go to the bathroom. Go as in get the heck outta my house.

Well, so if the hallway doesn't work,

I could display on the mantle,

the refrigerator,

the possibilities are simply endless.

Today at school one of my kids very randomly decided to write a list of "things Ms. M likes to do". My list of real life hobbies is quite sad. I don't have many hobbies. After this child wrote my list she said, "Are you lazy?" Yep. Pretty much.
This is the list she wrote based on what she's heard me talk about and what she's observed. She's right on target. TV, crafts, read, hang out with friends, write, clean.

I asked her why it says "clean silly!" and she said, "It's because you like to clean and I think that is so silly".

I need more hobbies.

I'm sure I'll be back sooner than later.

Post Thanksgiving Randoms.

I've been absent for awhile. I apologize. Remember all that homework I had to do? I finally finished. For now anyways. I submitted all of my article reviews last Monday night. As I was submitting my last article review, my internet went out. As in, my modem died. I had to email my professor and explain my dilemma as I sent my last assignment from school the next day. Luckily he believed me. I don't know if I would have believed me if I were him. It sounds like such a lie. "Sorry Professor. I can't submit my assignment because my internet went out." Pfft. Well, I tell no lies. It really went out. And I had to have the cable company come over on Wednesday. And I had to buy a new modem from them. The cold hard proof will be evident on my next cable bill if Professor really needs proof. Dang it.

Well, it's Sunday evening. That means I'm in my usual 'getting mentally prepared for the work week routine' funk. I shouldn't complain. I just had 5 consecutive days off. It just wasn't enough though. Between all of the eating, and the napping, and the shopping...shew. I just need more time off.
For real though. I'm ready for Christmas break already. Only 15 more work days until that's a reality.

One thing that makes me really happy about Sunday nights is watching Tough Love. I know you all are tired of hearing me talk about it. I just love that stinkin' show. And tonight's episode was so good. So much drama. If I was in the position of the girls on that show and had any of my exes show up, let me just tell you. I would have thrown up. All over the place. Like the wise Steve said, "Your ex is an ex for a reason." I couldn't agree more, Steve. I couldn't agree more. I just don't remain friends with an ex. Some people do, and that's great. Me? No way. That's just how I do it.

Yay for Thanksgiving. Did you all have a great one? I did. I love Thanksgiving because, well, it's all about the food. Turkey is okay, but I can really do without it. I'm a side dish kinda girl. Give me some dressing, mashed potatoes, green beans, mac and cheese, sweet potato crunch...yeah. That's the stuff.

I went Black Friday shopping. By myself. Nobody else was crazy enough to go with me. That's usually the case, so I get brave and go it alone. I was thrilled that many of the sales started at midnight this year. That's my kinda time to go shopping. I'm usually still wide awake at midnight anyway, so I might as well be shopping. I took a picture of where I parked in the mall parking lot.

This was the closest spot that I could find. It wasn't very close. 

The amount of people out was insane. I only bought a few things at Ulta (for myself). I don't necessarily go Black Friday shopping to do serious shopping. I like to go mainly for the people watching. People act so animalistic. They all have crazy eyeballs and act like they are wild animals that live in the Serengeti that are on the hunt for fresh meat. It's quite entertaining. I did go shopping again Black Friday night at an outlet mall. I did some pretty serious damage there. Again, all purchases for myself. I'm a pretty generous giver of gifts to myself.

I finally put up my Christmas tree tonight. I usually have mine up by the first or second week of November. Yes, I'm one of those over-anxious Christmas tree putter-upper girls. This year, well, I've slacked, but it's finally in the house. And it's partially decorated. I had to take a break. Decorating a tree is exhausting. And I'm super anal and OCD about it, so it's extra exhausting. It has to be balanced and the ornaments have to hang just right. I have to step away and study my decorating skills from afar. I feel like tree decorating shouldn't take this long. It takes me a good couple of hours.

My house looks such a fright right now. Dragging out all the Christmas stuff aids in junking things up before they get all pretty and decorated. I feel like my house is starting to resemble a Hoarders home. Clutter is everywhere and I have Mt. Laundry in my bedroom. It's driving me crazy.

In other news, and this is probably the most important news,  I got an interesting piece of mail when I went to my mailbox last night. I check my mail about once a week. Last night on my way out, I decided it was time for my weekly mail checking. It was already dark out, but I could make out a white cloth object mixed in with my mail. I was a little afraid because, like I said, it was dark and I couldn't see it very well. My thoughts were that it was either a shirt or a dead white squirrel. It was neither. It was...a bra. A brassiere. An over the shoulder boulder holder. In my mailbox. Mail was underneath it and mail was on top of it. That let me know that it had been in there for a few days. My postmaster has been looking at a random bra the past few times he's put mail in my mailbox.
I just stood on my street holding this bra and staring at it in disbelief. A million thoughts raced through my head. At first it was slight embarrassment and thoughts of 'who the hecks house did I leave this bra at and who sneakily returned it to me?'. I put my mail and my new (to me) bra in my passenger side seat because I was on my way to meet my friend. When she got in my car, she asked, "Why do you have a bra in your seat?" If only I knew the answer to that.
Here's the real kicker. The dang bra isn't mine. It wasn't until I was talking to her about it that I looked at the tag and I realized it wasn't mine. At all. Not my size. But it's a nice Victoria's Secret bra. The padding is a little misshapen after its week spent in my mailbox, but it's a nice bra and appears to be gently used. So to make things weirder, I have a complete random bra. That has never belonged to me. This bra has baffled me. It's the mystery of all mysteries. I need the Mystery Machine and all the gang to help me solve this one.

I have decided there are four possible scenarios for how the bra ended up in my mailbox:
1. Someone was doing some cleaning, came across a bra and thought it was mine. This person tried to be kind by returning what was rightly mine, or so they thought. They were wrong.

2. This bra was in my driveway or on the sidewalk in front of my house. A neighbor thought, 'Oh my. Sarah is airing her dirty laundry.' Literally. They didn't want me to be embarrassed so they put it in my mailbox.

3. My mail delivery guy has a crush on me and wanted to get me a little somethin', somethin'. At least he thinks my boobs are big. Just kidding, guys. Just kidding.

4. Someone was being a jokester and put a random bra in my mailbox to give my mail delivery guy a thrill for a few days. Real funny, prankster. Messing with mailboxes and putting unauthorized items in them is a federal offense. And plus, if it is a joke, I wouldn't be givin' up my V.S. Very Sexy collection. That's a high price brassiere.

Do you all have any creative scenarios to add?

Here's the bra in all of its padded booby glory.

So, that's what's been new in my life over the past few days. You know. Just the usual, every day stuff. What about you all? Any fun Thanksgiving family dysfunctional mishaps? Any mystery items appear in your mailbox? Do share.

Brain Dump.

Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's just me sighing.

Not to be cliche and stupid, but it's just been "one of those days". It started out alright enough. I woke up in a fine mood. Stupid tired, but in a fine mood. For whatever reason, I actually decided to put a little bit of effort into getting ready this morning. I wore heels. And I wore my hair down. And it was a gloomy and rainy day. So that's doing a lot.

You know, squirrels are pretty silly animals. On my way to school this morning, I had to stop my car and wait for a squirrel to make up its mind about what he was going to do. He looked like a spaz running back and forth across my side of the road in front of my car. His thought process was, "Other lane or woods? Other lane or woods? Other lane or woods?". Just silly. I started to get a little huffy.

By 10:00 this morning I decided I officially didn't like people today. It didn't help that I kinda had words with someone around that time. Let me clarify that she didn't have many words. No, it was all me. Showering my heated words all over her (as a result of her actions and a continuation of said actions, mind you). I showed myself a little bit. I'm not a hateful bitty and I hate confrontation. It takes a lot to make me mad to the point where I will show it and say something to your face. I have no problem being mad inside my head at all times, but if I verbalize my frustration directly at you, well, then you know I've reached my boiling point. And it's on.

And because that altercation obviously wasn't enough for me, during my lunch break I sent a text to a second recipient of my word attackage. I've been dealing with a frustrating issue for a month now and today it kind of came to a head. I hate that term. Slightly disgusting and inappropriate sounding. Anyway, my reaction was an "Aww hell naw" and an "Oh no she di-n't" type reaction. I'm just done and I want the mess to be resolved. It's ruining my life. Okay, that's way dramatic and it's not ruining my life, but I'm just tired of dealing with it. It's just become ridiculous.

What's funny is that later in the day, one of my friends texted me (she is also unfortunately involved in the above drama. We're obviously both the victims. Obviously.)
Her text was simply: "I hate everybody." I loved her for saying that. Hate was in the air today.

On the plus side, three different people told me I "looked skinny" today. What's funny is that I stepped on the scale this morning (I never weigh myself), and what's even funnier is that I've packed on a good 10 pounds lately. I'm a stress eater and I've definitely been stress eating.
I was grateful for the kind compliments--I definitely needed them today, but it was strictly the outfit I was wearing. It was deceiving on the eyeballs. Black pants and a top that has a belt under the boobs. It's pure trickery, I tell you. It takes away from the junk in the trunk and hips (my problem areas) and draws the eyes up to the waist and boobages. Which, is exactly what you need to be drawing eyes to in an elementary school...

Moving on.

Despite my bad day, I am always thankful that I have a roomful of kids to be around. I have to say that they were a bit off the chain today because they were totally exhibiting "snow behavior", but regardless, they are still fun, and sweet, and they make me smile. I think some kids can just sense when we're having an off day and they're very understanding about it.
One of my little girls (who is very perceptive) came up to me and asked, "Are you sad?" I told her that I wasn't necessarily sad but that I was stressed out. She said, "My Mommy gets stressed out a lot and that makes her yell. Are you going to yell?" I assured her that I was not, even though it would have felt amazing to release a blood-curdling scream. She walked away. She then came back up to me a few minutes later and said, "Maybe you just need to eat a cookie. Then you won't be so stressed out."

Later in the afternoon during our Free Center time, the same little girl was in the Play-doh Center. She made me three Play-doh "cookies" to help with my stress. She used alphabet cookie cutters and cut out a letter S and two M's. She lined them up on my desk: S, M, M and said, "These are your initials." I told her she was close but the middle initial was wrong. She said, "No, it's not. You're Sarah Ms. Marcum." Hilarious. Makes sense.

I went to the grocery to buy a carton of ice cream tonight. It helped. A little. I'm completely eating my feelings lately. I'm on a path of destruction.

I really wish I could say that things are going to look up, but this week is only going to get crazier. And this Procrastinator Extraordinaire has so much homework due by Saturday that it's not even funny. Not funny at all. Like, I can't even think about it or I'm going to cry. I'll have to be touched by an angel to get it all finished. I will pay someone to help me do article reviews. I'm not kidding. If you need to make some extra cash for the holiday season, hit me up.

I shouldn't have stopped doing homework to even write this blog post, but blogging was a form of procrastination, so of course it won. I'm not trying to be all whiny and complainy to get sympathy. I simply needed to vent and Blogger was the solution tonight. Blogging is a free form of therapy. I already feel better.

I don't know why I'm so in love with quotation marks and parentheses usage in this post. Please forgive.

Probably the most pointless post of all time.

Great day today. I was off school for Election Day. I didn't have to set my alarm and that is always a wonderful feeling. I had some lazy time, napped (a couple times), did some organizing, went through my closet and got rid of old clothes--so I accomplished a little bit. Definitely didn't do one bit of the mounds of grad school homework I have. Oops.

I was in the spirit of being free today. In honor of Election Day.

I guess I need to give this post a PG-13 rating due to the language in the above text. If you're 13 and under, please close out your web browser now. Thank you.

I love WrongNumberTexts.com. I spent some quality time on that site today.
Here's a couple more that make me smile.

On to the next thing...

Can we talk about this commercial for a minute? I've got to talk about it. Mainly because I've seen it 5300 times today. It's the Hardee's Cheddar Biscuit commercial. Have you all seen it? If you haven't, I'm providing it for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

It's HORRIBLE and annoying, yet I laugh every single time it comes on TV. I hate myself for laughing at it. And I'm not really even laughing because it's funny. I think I laugh because these people are so unfortunate and it makes me feel uncomfortable so I inappropriately laugh. That makes me sound like an ugly, ugly person (not as ugly as them, mind you), but, well...I mean look at that family. Yeesh. Their fashion sense! Their poor appearances! That son! What do we even say about that son? And that mothers horse mouth...
I would feel really bad if one of you left me a comment and was like, "...but this is my family in real life..." I would feel really bad for you.

And the sad thing is that I have fallen into Hardee's advertisement trap. I'm right where they want me. I keep thinking about this commercial and its cheesy creepiness and now I'm sharing it on my blog and talking about it with the masses. Everyone is going to want to go get Cheddar Biscuits. It will be anarchy.

Well. That's all the fun I have for now. Later, friends.

What Time is It? Random Time.

Posts two days in a row? Dang. What's going on with me?

I had my second round of parent-teacher conferences this evening. My classroom phone rang and it was one of the parents that I had been expecting for a conference but had missed the appointment time. She called to apologize for missing the conference. She then went on to explain why...and she had a really good reason for missing. She "lost track of time" because she was "at Wal-Mart shopping the 50% off Halloween sale". Yes. She went on to explain that she got some really good deals and got the kids costumes for next year for half off. Sigh. This is real life, y'all. I mean, what can I do? I just had to shake my head to it. And then I ran and told 3 other teachers about it for laughs because I knew they'd appreciate it.

I bought this felt Halloween banner at Target a few weeks ago. I thought it would be cute to hang in my classroom and it was being sold for a bargain price of $3.00. I took it out of the package and this is what I saw:

Look closely. Do you see the mistake? I was p-i-s-e-d. Pised.

Have any of you ever had a McRib? I sure haven't and hope that I'm never hungry enough to have to eat one. I always hate the time of the year when "The McRib is back". The commercials just won't quit and it makes me want to barf so hard.
Pigs taste amazing. This I do know. I love pork products, but the McRib? I just find this sandwich suspicious. The meat has fake bones. Pressed meat bones. That's disgusting. Plus ribs do not belong on a toasted bun. It's just not natural.

I love the show Tough Love. I love it so much. I need to find a way to get on that dang show. It's so much better than The Bachelor ever thought of being. Everyone's a winner. Every girl gets to date a guy. Lots of guys. And you get to look at Steve. He's cute and he knows women. Help me, Steve.

Do you all have a facebook purgatory? Facebook purgatory is my friend request holding place. I currently have 21 people in purgatory. Some have been there for a long, long time. A person can end up in my facebook friendship purgatory for a number of reasons: 1. I just don't like you. 2. I don't want you up in my facebook business (this mainly applies to students at my school. I think it's weird to be friends with a 3rd grader). 3. It may be a person that has sent me a request before and I hit 'ignore' at one time. They obviously didn't get the hint because they've tried to hit me up again. I'm too lazy to mess with blocking--so they just sit in friend request limbo land.
This makes me sound like a crappy person since I deliberately ignore these poor people. I deal with things through avoidance. If I avoid it, well, it doesn't exist. Problem solved.

Speaking of friends. Chocolate bars have been my friends tonight. I've made a lot of new friends and they're now hanging out in my belly.

I'm going to admit one of my faults to you all. I suck at emailing. Suck at it. I also suck at phone conversations and listening to voice mails. I'm a fantastic texter though. I'm pretty great at reading emails but I'm horrible when it comes to responding or deleting them. I'm saying this because I've recently acquired some new followers (yay for new friends!) that have left sweet comments. It may take me two weeks, but I usually try to respond to my comments. Almost everyone that has commented lately that is new to my blog doesn't have their email enabled and I can't reply to your comments directly. :( Enable those email addresses, girls. I promise I'm not purposely ignoring you. I don't have a 'blogger follower comment purgatory'. I promise. I really do appreciate and love each comment. They truly make my day and I just want to say thanks. You all are swell.

Happy Almost-Wednesday!

Pop Quiz, Hotshots.

This morning on the radio, the funny morning show guys asked the question: "What's the grossest fruit?" before a game segment they do each day.  The lady contestant answered "banana". To that I replied, "dumb". Bananas are fine. They're definitely not the grossest. The man said the lemon was the grossest. You're wrong. Lemons are delicious. Lemon Drops wouldn't exist without lemons, silly man.

I furrowed my brow and was in deep thought the remainder of my drive to work--for all of three minutes that it takes me to get to work. I was racking my brain about all of the fruit possibilities that exist in this huge world. Oranges, cherries, melons, peaches, plums, blackberries, figs...the list could go on and on. For some reason this question really stumped me. It made me think hard. Sadly it's probably the deepest thought I've had all day.

Now I'm not a big fruit eater. That's just a fact. I'd just much rather have artificial sweeteners. Like Cokes. And pies. And chocolate bars. That'll do for me. Fruit snacks count as a fruit though, right? Because I really like Gushers.

For real though, I like apples and pineapple and I'll eat the occasional grape and cherry, but beyond that, not really a lot of fruit eatin' going on. I mean, really. I buy apples, but only the ones that are already pre-sliced because I'm lazy. And then I ruin the fruit nutritional value by covering each apple slice with peanut butter.

Now of course I find strawberries to be totally repulsive. You all know that. They're gross to me, but everyone else that is human loves them, so what is really the grossest fruit of all time? Like if the general population had to vote and give an award to the tree or vine bearing the grossest fruit of all time--who we we vote for, guys? Who would we vote for??

I was asking my fellow teaching teammates this mind-blowing question at lunch. Ashley said the pear. To that, I completely agree. Pears have the texture of sand paper in the mouth and they taste like asphalt. Emphasis being placed on the first part of the word.
Now I've never tasted one of these, but I said that the cumquat definitely has the grossest fruit name of all time. I mean, really? Cumquat? Ew. It can be spelled as kumquat or cumquat, but of course I prefer spelling it with a 'c' because it just helps to prove my point.

So I'm asking you. Yes, YOU!

Question #1 on your quiz: What is the grossest fruit of all time?

Inquiring minds want to know. Okay, really just my mind wants to know.

Here's another question for you. I'm really making you all stretch your brains today. You can tell I'm a teacher. Okay. Here we go. Don't get scared now.

Question #2: Do you love Britney Spears or do you hate her?

I set you all up on this one. Trick question because I think that if you tell me you hate her that you're really telling me a lie. I just don't see how you can't love her. From the moment I bought her  "Baby One More Time" CD single, I was hooked.

Sure she went a little bit off the deep end for awhile, but girl has made good music through it all. I've been loving her song "I Wanna Go" for weeks now. It makes me feel good. And I can't decide if it makes me want to start dancing and wishing I was at a club or if it makes me want to start punching people in the face because I'm that amped up and "wanna go", you know? But then I think about how scared I would feel if I went to the "clubs" here in my town because there are creepy men that just stand against the walls and stare a lot. So then I decided that I'd probably combine the two fantasies and go to the "club" where I can punch people (those creepy men that stare) in the face. I'd give them something to stare at. Like my fist. What a beautiful image. And I'm putting "club" in quotations because, well, I live in Bowling Green. We don't even know what a club is here.

On another note? Have you all seen the video? Parts of it are a little strange with the paparazzi cyborgs and all, but I like it. There's this part where her get-away driver pours a carton of milk all over his face. The first time I saw it, I seriously gagged. Almost puked all over my keyboard. I mean, can you imagine what his face must have smelled like after the fact? Retch.

This brings me to Question #3:
Would you ever willingly pour a carton of milk all over your face? If Britney Spears told you to do it, would you?

And because every quiz needs a bonus...

Bonus Question:
My blog title: "Pop quiz, hotshot"...this quote is from what awesome 90s movie?

"What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?" Love that line. So dramatic.

Okay. That was too easy. Here's a real bonus question to really push you to the limits:

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hot dogs?

Chew on that.

I hope you make a 100%. Make that 110% with the two bonus questions. Good luck, pals.

It's Time to Get Rowdy...With Random Thoughts.

First of all, I want to do a special shout out for THIS girl, Andi. Last week she blogged about my blog and I must say, it was very flattering. She sent some new followers my way too, so I'm going to say a big, "Hey ladies, I like you all" to my new friends. Andi, if I could wrap up a box and fill it with friendship and mail it to you, that's exactly what I would do.

So she seriously said the nicest things about me. She was definitely makin' me blush. She said that she thought I was funny, which I very much appreciate. It actually humors me that other people find me funny. It tickles me so. But let me tell you. It's kind of some pressure. I feel like my hands are sweatin' on this keyboard right now as I type. Let's hope I can deliver. It's not going to be a trip to Home Goods, but we can't have it be crazy fun and games all the time.

On an extra serious note, I want to wish all of the federal employees out there a Happy Columbus Day. You are the lucky ducks that benefit from good old Christopher's crazy shenanigans. I don't believe in teaching about Columbus because, I mean, what's he done for me? He sure doesn't give me a day off. I'm kidding. Well, sort of. I usually do a little day of Columbus factoids and a craft with my students but it honestly slipped my mind today. I was still in my fall break coma. I didn't really even know where I was until about 10:30 today. And that's sad considering I'd already been at school for a few hours.

I was so dang happy last week. Like I've already said 52 billion times, I was on fall break all week. I love my school childrens with each one of my little heartstrings, but it was time for a break. I'll say it again. It was time. TIME. I didn't go on a trip anywhere last week which ended up being just fine with me. I kept myself plenty busy just livin' my life. I did some things around my house that I've been putting off. Boring stuff like pulling weeds and trimming the hedges in my front yard. And laundry.
I just love having a week off. Period. I love being at home and not really having a schedule. I swear my calling is to be a bum. To be able to just hang around the house, watch TV, eat snacks, peruse the internet, read, and hang out with my pals. That's all I want to do, and buddy, you better believe that's exactly what I did.

So I've had this nasty stomach thing going on for a few weeks. I finally broke down and went to the doctor last week because I took a turn for the worse. It felt so good writing those words. I just wanted to add in some extra drama and "taking a turn for the worse" does it every single time. Okay, so really it wasn't that serious, but I was having major stomach cramps, wasn't sleeping well, and certain "issues" had kicked it up a notch or 10. Not everyone in the world is as comfortable with poop talk like I am, so I'll just leave it at that and let you draw your own conclusions. I have some kind of diagnosed funk and am on an antibiotic and Nexium. I have to report back to my doc and let him know if the drugs are doing their thang. So far...they're not really doing it.
The problems really come after I eat something. This is where it gets dramatic. For real. You all know me and how much I love my food. The joy has been taken out of my meals recently because I just get sick afterwards. My life is over.

Speaking of poop, have you all seen that Clorox commercial? A little boy yells, "Mommy, I went poo-poo!". The Mom goes in the bathroom and looks in the toilet and sees nothing. She asks the little boy where and he points to the bathtub. Hilarious. It just reminds me of life in kindergarten. We have those moments when we think the kids are getting so close to the target, but then we discover they're still so far away at times. I love it.

I will be the first to admit that I have a real, full on addiction to Coke. Sometimes I think I like hearing the crack of the can and the fizz more than the actual drinking of the Coke itself. You know, kind of how smokers say it's more of the sensation of smoking and how the cigarette feels in their hand. So basically I'm addicted to opening aluminum cans.

So we just had an Ulta open in our mall. I spent $90 there last weekend. Oiy. I love makeup. I broke down and bought the Urban Decay Naked eye pallette. It's as great as I thought it would be. I also bought a sample kit of some Smashbox things. I've decided Smashbox makeup is what angels probably use if makeup is worn in heaven. I mean, if J.C. wears makeup, that's probably what He wears too. It's that great and has easily become my new favorite stuff.

The 10 year high school reunion was this past weekend. Oh the drama. And yet so much fun. I'll save that post for another time.

Well friends, I could probably keep spewing out more nonsense, but I'll wrap it up here. Thanks for visiting. Until we meet again...

Labor Day Weekend Randoms.

Y'all, I've had to go on and pull out the heated blanket. It's 61 degrees here right now and I'm about to freeze to death. Two days ago it was 102 and I was swimming and getting my tan on. Welcome to Kentucky. We're having our first cold snap of the fall season, so that means it's chili making weather. I could use a big pot right about now to warm these bones.

This Labor Day weekend has been the greatest of all time. I bet I've gained 5 pounds and it's worth it because I've had glorious food. Burgers, bbq, and country ham. Cows and pigs are delicious and they're my friends.

I've had great fun. I went on a yogurt date with one of my very favorite past students.

I met a newborn baby. I was pretty scared.

I went swimming. No pictures of this. You're welcome.

I went shopping today. One of my very favorite places to go is Home Goods because they have great stuff but they also have some really weird stuff.

Can we just talk about this shell sculpture for a minute? What the eff is this? And why would you want this in your home? It's a shell boat holding a shell tower. I hate it.

I'm really easily creeped out by doll faces. Look at these and tell me you're not scared.

Oh my geez. These will be the star characters in my nightmare tonight.

I did make it out of there with the most beautiful of beautifulness fall wreath. It looks so lovely hanging on my front door. It has glitter on the edges of the pretty little flowers. Glitter makes the world go round.

Why stop now? Here's more random fun:

When I open up my fridge at home I feel like someone on Cribs. It's full of nothing but drinks. I guess that's what happens when you pair up a girl that doesn't cook with her brother that doesn't cook. We both just drink a lot.

I was writing a list and just made a mark on my couch pillow with my black Flair pen. This makes me really sad that I messed up my pillow. It makes me even more sad that I don't have anyone to blame for it. It was all me. Don't you hate when something is messed up and you're at fault? It's one of life's biggest bummers.

Check out these little dogs with their doggles and beards. They were just hanging out while their Masters were inside enjoying some Chick-fil-A.

Here's one last picture for you. Extreme Native American planking. I made my Dad pull over on the side of the road just so I could take this picture. This guy rests on the side of the road at a KY/TN border. He's been tomahawk down for quite some time now and I've always wanted a picture of it.

Maybe this planking fad is getting a little bit out of control. Keep watch over your town statues, friends. Keep watch.

I hope all of you had a great Labor Day weekend. 

Let's do a little "by the numbers" recap of my weekend. It will be fun and impressive.

12. That's how many school days I made it before sickness hit. I've had a nasty sinus infection and I've felt like total doo since Wednesday night. I blame all of the dust particles. Stupid dust. Recess has been my enemy lately. We need rain in the worst way. It's a dry, dry desert here.

6. That's how many movies I watched this weekend. Yes. 6. 

Watch a movie. Take pills. Sleep. Watch a movie. Sleep. Take pills. That's been my schedule. 

2. This is the number of boxes of Kleenex I have gone through since Friday afternoon. 2 brand new boxes. That probably equals about 5237 gallons of snot expelled from my nostrils. Did that last sentence just make you sick? Well maybe now you know how I feel.

101. This is the number that I saw on my thermometer Friday night. It was a hot night. And not in a good, sexy way.

1437. This is probably the number of things I've pinned on Pinterest today. It was my other form of entertainment between sleeping and movies. I'd say at least 1428 of the 1437 were food related pins.

48 hours. This is how long I was home bound. I pulled into my driveway at 4:00 on Friday. I didn't leave until tonight. Tonight I was only gone for a couple of hours. Just long enough to run to school to work for a bit and make a stop by Sonic. To buy a large Coke. As a reward. For being out amongst the people. In civilization. It was exhausting and I needed to refuel.

Number of Benadryl pills I've taken...I kind of lost count...

69. This is the number of followers I now have. Obviously I'm still in middle school because this number makes me smile and feel slightly awkward at the same time.

This concludes the "by the numbers" portion of this post. Thank you.

I still sound like a snotty mess but I feel so much better. Having a weekend full of nothing but time to rest was exactly what I needed. 

For some reason I decided I'd watch the VMAs...what the eff is wrong with Lady Gaga? Just when I thought she couldn't get any weirder than showing up in an egg or wearing a meat dress...she does. I think if I dressed up and pretended to be a greaser boy and was that spot-on legit, I would cry. I would cry every single night because that would sadden me that I could play the part of a boy and look that boyish. And it really looked like she didn't have any boobs at all. Totally boy believable. 

And Beyonce pregnant? 'Bout dang time. Oh my. I can't wait to see this little love child that is the creation of B and Jay-Z. This baby isn't going to be born with a silver spoon in its mouth. It's going to be platinum and blinged out. And attached to a yacht.

And I just saw the sneak peek trailer of The Hunger Games. It made me excited. Who wants to go see the movie with me?

I totally get the whole Hunger Games obsession. Totally get it now. I just recently finished the book. I read that book so hard that my copy literally fell apart. The cover is torn off and pages have become unglued. I need to get started on the second book.

Do you all have a hard time knowing how to end posts? Because I sure do. So I'm just going to end it awkwardly like this.

It's Friday, Friday. Sarah's Gettin' Down with her Blog on Friday.

Dang you Rebecca Black. Every Friday it just naturally happens that I hum that song. I can't help it and I hate that about myself.

Hey party people. I'm not doing so hot at this whole blogging thing lately. Surprisingly, I haven't been a worthless bum this week. I've actually been busy. Really busy. Busy up in the school house workin' on my classroom. I haven't had a life for the past week. I've seriously been at school every night. I love going to school at night because no one else is there and I get so much done. If I go during the day, well, there's two problems with that. 1- I miss out on the sun's rays. 2- I spend all of my time talking to other teachers because talking is fun and then get nothing accomplished in my room. Naturally the best solution is to go at night. It's a win-win.

I feel like my brain is mushy stuff and I really wouldn't make sense if I tried to write anything half-way serious, so, guess what you're gonna get? A bunch of pictures and nonsense. Just the way we like it around here.

I need to start by telling you all this. I looked at someones facebook profile the other day. Under religion they listed: "Babtist". Yes. They claim to be Baptist but they don't even know how to spell it right. Embarrassed. As a kindergarten teacher I can see where they got a little confused. They did a good job using their phonics skills. With the way that word is pronounced around these parts of Kentucky, it does sound like a 'b' might be where the 'p' should be. Regardless, that's just something you should know if it's something you're claiming as a 'defining characteristic' of sorts. Kind of like you should know how to spell caucasin caucasion  Caucasian if you're white.

I just feel like your life needs to be blessed with this picture. 

It's not every day that you see a giant magnifying glass the size of your head. I knew I needed to seize the day and take a picture with it. Probably a once in a lifetime deal.

Is your house missing a little pizazz? Maybe you should buy this Weezy poster. I'm thinking it would look charming hanging above a fireplace with a fire ablaze. Ah, yes. That would look nice. And at $50? Bargain. This can be found at a Home Goods near you, because I know that's your #1 question right now.

I've been missing my friend so much. She's been traveling the world and life has been a little crazy lately so we haven't seen much of each other. I'm used to seeing this girl on the daily, so it's been a little hard to adjust. It makes me want to cry like a lost little kitten. 

This picture was taken on the last time we hung out for real, for real. Two whole weeks ago. 

Seems like an eternity.

My Granny D made some no-bake cookies for my family. As my brother put it, she might have been thinking she was making pancakes for a minute based on the size of these suckers. They're the biggest no-bakes I've ever seen. The size of my hand. And it broke when I picked it up due to the shear weight of the thing.

So I know some of you have heard this tale before because every summer I talk about my butterfly friends that I make while I swim in the pool. My parents have ultra friendly butterflies that frequent their yard. And these butterflies love me and I love that they love me. I'm pretty much a butterfly whisperer. They let me pet them.
*(Please disregard my large manly knuckles. Unfortunate family trait).

They even like to do fancy butterfly tricks for me like hanging upside down like a bat.

I went into my classroom one night this week and discovered that my classroom bathroom floor was flooded. The toilet sprung a leak. The mystery to me is how it started leaking. Unless ghosts have learned to use the bathroom and flush--no one to my knowledge has used this toilet since June 3rd. Sure glad I discovered it before it got extra bad. I would have been an angry, angry teacher if it started running out into my classroom.  

I cleaned up all the water and tried to tighten the connector that was leaking, but I had no luck--or the necessary tools. I placed a large container under the drip to catch the water--it filled this much just in the time I was at school working. Serious drippage. The water has since been shut off to the toilet. Let's hope this is fixed before school starts. We gots to have a working toilet in the kindergarten room. For real.

Okay, one more thing because this is quickly becoming the longest post of all time. I get carried away quite easily. I'm not telling you anything new.

Today at school we had a PD day. We had to fill out our yearly Emergency Contact sheet for the front office. Here's what I listed at the bottom:

Hey, you never know when a love connection could be made. I want to make sure our office staff is always thinking of the greater good. I'm sure they'll appreciate my efforts. 

I wonder if they'll appreciate me listing my brother as my 'bruh'...

Not sure if they'll appreciate that one as much. 

It's probably a form I should have taken seriously, and well...

I lied. For real just one more thing. I have enjoyed watching my all-time favorite Lifetime movie tonight (I'm actually watching it as I type this). "She's Too Young". Makes me laugh every time. An over-the-top movie. Drama at its best. Lifetime never disappoints. One of the best lines: "If I lost a toe, you'd be President for Toe-less Teenagers." That's just one fine example of this quality film.

I hope you all have a weekend that's more magical than Disney World fantasies.

Randoms from a Bum.

Well. Another whole week has passed by and I haven't posted a dern thing. I've become the worst blogger of all time. I've just been busy livin', y'all.
L-i-v-i-n. Living like Billy Madison. I've been a big pile of worthless nothing. I've been out shopping with friends all week and the rest of the time, I have been hanging around my parents house. Laying out by the pool and eating all of their food. That's the way I like to do it.

And speaking of Billy Madison, I saw a banana peel in the grocery parking lot. What do I always think of when I see one? O'Doyle rules! Don't worry. I made sure I carefully steered around the peel. I didn't want to plummet off of a cliff.

I saw a huge display of Red Vines in the grocery store. All that was needed was a display of Mr. Pibb beside it to make it crazy delicious. Seeing the Red Vines made me sing Lazy Sunday. Ironically it was Sunday. And I had a pretty lazy one. Neat, huh?

Since I have no life and no real agenda during the summer, I agreed to meet a repairman at my parents house so that they wouldn't have to leave work to meet him and all that. I mean, I was going to be out there swimming anyway. The night before the scheduled repairman appointment, my family and I were all sitting around talking. The family was saying, "Maybe he'll be cute". Have we really come to this? We're hopeful that a cute repairman will show up and maybe I'll be asked on a date. Sadly that's probably what it's going to take. And if you're curious--he was not cute. He looked like Stephen King. And he wore a flashlight on top of his head. Like he was about to go spelunking.

I really don't like "I Love Lucy". I don't find one bit of funny in that show. She's annoying. And obnoxious. Maybe for back in the day the show was hilarious, but, I just don't get it. The only good thing is that the show is in black and white. That's a relief.

I have never heard so many fireworks in all my life. I feel like I now have a small idea of what it would sound like to live in a war zone. It sounds like we're under attack. My animals are terrified. Fireworks have been going off at all hours of the night since last weekend. The 4th of July is a rednecks favorite holiday and we've sure got a lot of 'em here. Fireworks bring us all together. Let freedom ring.

I put a free app on my phone called Jesus Texts. It sends a different Bible verse to my phone each day--at midnight precisely. When it texts me it makes a heavenly host sound. Like it's being sent direct from an angel. I have mine set to deliver the verses in 'hip-hop' version. Jesus' speech bubble says things like: "I'ma drop dis on ya" or "my pops has somethin' fo' yo' " and then it gives me my daily Bible verse in hip-hop fashion. Word.

I have been doing a lot of shopping. A whole lot of it. I've purchased 9 pairs of shoes in the past month. That's probably a sign that I need some help.

The Cheez-It commercial was just on TV. It's the one where the lab guy is questioning the Cheez-It to see if it is ready and matured. The sign said "Maturation Room" but during my quick glance up to the TV, I swore it said "Masturbation Room". I was feeling really uncomfortable about Cheez-Its for a second.

And speaking of commercials--I Love Lucy might not be a funny show but those Life Alert commercials sure are funny. One day I'm going to be an old lady that has fallen and can't get up and I'm going to regret laughing all these times. Who am I kidding. I can't help but to laugh.

I can't wait to wake up and have another full day of eating, swimming, and other 4th of July festivities. I hope all of you are having the best weekend of all weekends.

Surprise, Surprise. Randoms TIme.

LMN has really pulled out all the stops this weekend. They have played some of my favorite movies and right now I'm in love with their network. Do you hear me, Lifetime? I'm in love with you. More than ever. I will be your spokeswoman. Do you hear me, Lifetime? I will do it and I would be perfect for that job.

All of these great movies have really come in handy with all of my couch lounging that has been going on at my house the past two days. I got in from Florida Thursday evening and since then I've been doing as little as possible. It's been raining here so I've taken advantage and have watched as much TV as I can.

Tonight I went to dinner with a friend. I've missed my friends. Then I went to the mall. I only had about 30 minutes before closing time to get my shop on. And I did it. I bought a top, two rings, and a black floppy hat. Did I need any of it? Yes. Always. Did it make me so happy? Yes. Always. What's that? You want to know how much the hat was? A mere $5.00. I'll go ahead and answer your next question. Yes. It made me holler. In fact I only spent a grand total of $18 on my entire purchase because I had a $10 store credit. I done good. I done real good.

I need to go to rehab. Shoppers rehab. I'm serious. I wouldn't mind being on a reality show for that.

After the mall I decided I needed to go to Barnes&Noble. It's where I like to go sometimes at night to scope out men look for quality literature. Seriously though. Bookstores are great places for single ladies to see cute men. Now notice that I didn't say meet cute men and get asked out on dates. I'm still waiting on that piece of the puzzle to happen to me. But for now, I see them. Every time that I go alone I see cute men that are also there alone. Alone+alone=we should be together. Many of the men that I see there are cute because, well, they are physically attractive, but they are even more attractive because they're in a bookstore. That means they know how to read. They might even like to read. It's an attractive quality. Tonight I saw two cute men while I was there. I haven't seen two cute men in one place in like six months. Bookstores are where it's at.

One young lad really caught the attention of my eyeballs. If I had a type, which I kinda do, he was pretty close to being it. He was tall, tan, slender. He was a very snappy dresser. He had nice hair that was a little longish. Not longish as in ponytail longish. Just shaggy. I like messy shaggy hair. Delicious. Our paths first crossed in the Fiction section. In the 2nd row, to be exact. He would move to the next aisle, and then I would follow. Then I would move to the next and he would soon follow. We repeated that for a good six rows or so. In the last row we lingered. Standing and pretending to look extra hard for that special book. Or at least that's what I was doing. Because I had watched Serendipity earlier that day on LMN, I decided to do a little test of fate because it sounded like a fun thing to do. I went to a different row of books. I told myself that if he followed me, it was fate. And we would be together like Sara and Jonathan in Serendipity. Hey, my name is Sarah. Did you all just get cold chills? Maybe his name was Jonathan...
Well, I thought it was meant to be because he followed fate and destiny into my aisle. I thought about saying something to him but everything that ran through my brain was stupid. Naturally. Sadly the lad ran away. Maybe he could hear my thoughts and got scared. I don't blame him.

I'm a really bad judge in age. I would be fired if I ever got the job of being the age and weight guesser at a carnival. After I thought about this boy I realized he was probably 22. That's kinda young for me. Then I got scared and wondered if he was extra young. Like 17. He could have been.

My favorite section of a bookstore is the Humor section, by the way. This is where I am hoping my book will be someday. It will be placed there because all of the publishing companies will laugh at my attempt to get published, therefore, Humor section it is. And maybe my book will truly belong there because it would actually be a little bit funny. I hope.

Check out this beauty of a book that I stumbled upon:

This book was awesome. The pictures were definitely creepy. I wanted to take pictures of every doll in this book so that I could share them with you. I need this book.

So after my busted attempt of meeting a man at B&N, I drove to Starbucks. Yes, they have one inside the B&N, but I don't like it as much. Plus they don't take my Starbucks gift cards. Gift cards win. A fatty calorie-filled drink was sounding pretty good. I've had three Starbucks Coconut Mocha Frappuccinos since Wednesday night. They're pretty dang good. I do think the baristas in Florida did a better job of making them though.

Speaking of Starbucks baristas, why are they so dang chipper? I mean, I appreciate it. I just want to know their secret. I guess it's all that caffeine they're jacked up on. When I rolled through the drive-thru tonight, the guy working was super happy. He asked me what I was up to this evening. Uh-oh. He just opened up the flood gates and invited me to spill out my word vomit all over him. Men should know better than to ask me such a broad question. He asked, so I started in. I told him that I went to dinner with a friend and then did a little shopping. He said, "Well that's good that you did some shopping." I said, "Heck yes it was good!" And then I proceeded to tell him that I was a shopping addict. And he listened because there was no one in line behind me. Starbucks is good therapy.

And speaking of Starbucks, and because this will probably be a good way to end this post, does coffee make your pee stanky? Stanky as in making it smell straight up like the coffee you just drank? My friend and I like to laugh about it. We both have smelly pee post drinking coffee. We like to say that we just "brewed a fresh pot of coffee" in the bathroom. Ah. I love my friends. 

Randoms. Vacation Style.

I'm currently in the Sunshine State, my friends. It's glorious here. The sun sure is shining. I am shining. I'm a shiny, happy person. Right now I'm enjoying my night by sitting on the balcony feeling the warm salty breeze, hearing the crash of the waves, and listening to my favorite Pandora station (Incubus radio)...all while inhaling plumes of secondhand smoke. I'll explain the last part further down the post.

I have spent all of my time either on this balcony or on the sand directly below. It's been unfortunate.

Now, on with the vacationy randoms:

I hate riding in the car for long distances. I get really restless. I prefer sleeping the majority of the way so that I'm oblivious to the boringness of the ride. I couldn't sleep on the ride down. Luckily I brought a season of The Golden Girls to help me pass the time. Those ladies always save the day.

I'm a stupid packer. I always end up bringing way too much stuff with me. When I started to unpack my things here, I realized that I could easily stay for a month without having to go and shop for new things. Of course I would still go and shop for new things anyway because I'm on vacation and you have to shop when you're on vacation. Duh. However, if I was in a pinch and couldn't shop for whatever reason, I have enough clothing items to mix and match nearly a months worth of outfits. I packed 12 tank tops, 6 dresses, 2 tops, 5 swimming suits, 4 cover-ups, a skirt, a pair of jeans, a pair of capris, 3 pairs of shorts, and 7 pairs of shoes. I almost brought 3 additional pairs of shoes but tossed them out at the last minute when I remembered that I purchased 3 new pairs of shoes when I was down here last year. I'm going to be here for 6 nights. I seriously have 20 outfits to choose from.

I also bring way too many books. It's just so hard to choose. Do I need 5 books while at the beach? No. Will I make it through 5 books? No. I'll be lucky to even make it through one.

Why will I be lucky to even make it through one book, you ask? That's because Sarah is too busy eavesdropping while laying out on the beach. While I appear to be engrossed in my book, I'm really just using it as a cover so that I can listen to the people beside me talk about their non-stop nonsense that for some reason is really interesting to me. Yesterday I heard all about valet parking being a rip off and then heard a review of every restaurant in the gulf region including the price range of entrees and server quality. I learned a lot. Oh, and I read 10 pages in my book. I'm well on my way to finishing these 5 books I brought...

I also had a really annoying guy beside me on the beach that decided to not use ear buds like normal people when listening to the music on an iPod. He blared it out for all to hear. And it was country music of all things. And then a girl that was 3 chair groupings away (she was a classy broad that liked to pee in the sand behind her chair) came over and had the nerve to tell him to turn it up. She was "jamming to it". For the love. I was in beach hell. To make it worse the guy had to sing along to every single song. And the weird thing was that he didn't sing along to the obvious verses and chorus. No, no. He wanted to do the background vocals. The awkward oohs and yeah-yeah-yeahs. Geez, buddy. Settle down. This isn't an audition for Nashville Star.

The perpetrator is on the left. He was really singing hard when I took this picture. Too bad that umbrella pole is in the way. It's blocking his mouth going "Ohhhh. Yeah, yeah, yeah."

The first night here I ended up falling asleep on the chaise lounge on the balcony of our condo. So I say "ended up" like it was accidental. That's a lie. I purposely slept outside. It sounded like a fun and smart idea and it looked like a more comfortable option than my bed. I love sleeping outside. If I could have a tree house like the Swiss Family Robinson, I would. That would be the greatest.

via

It would be impossible to sleep outside in KY like I did here though because we have too many dang bugs. I'd be eaten alive at home. Bug spray and a tent would be a necessity. Bugs don't seem to exist here in Florida though, so the idea was golden.

Before I drifted off to sleep in my outside balcony bedroom, the thought crossed my mind about sleepwalking. I was afraid I was going to sleepwalk for the first time in my life and climb the rail to plummet 11 stories to my death. That would have been super scary. Glad I didn't decide to sleepwalk.

Sleeping outside for the night was a bit strange. The crash of the ocean waves in real life aren't quite as soothing as they are on my nature sounds alarm clock at home. They're pretty dang noisy. And the moon is super bright when you're up in a tall high rise building because you're pretty much feeling like you're parallel with it. And then you might randomly wake up around 2 in the morning like I did and rub your eyes real hard because you swear you see two teenage kids doing a sexual act on the side of the swimming pool below. Duck and cover. I think they just looked up and saw me. My cover was blown. That wasn't the only thing that was blown...Ahem...

The people in the condo above us smoke. A lot. I've spent so much time out on our balcony that I've secondhand smoked each cigarette along with them. I bet I've inhaled at least a pack today alone. It's disgusting. I hate you and your stinky cigarettes. These people also apparently like to fry bacon on their balcony. I'm really curious about them. I'm kinda thinking all they do is smoke cigarettes and eat bacon. Really weird. I feel like they're really enjoying my music along with me right now. Maybe they'll be like the 'pee in the sand lady' and tell me to turn it up. I can only hope.

I love the ocean. It's my favorite thing about the whole beach scene. I could really do without all the sand. I like it when it's dry but not when it's wet. I don't like it sticking to my skin and it always manages to find its way into cracks and crevices. It's too bad they can't install some of that indoor/outdoor turf in place of the sand. Maybe do it half and half. A sand play place for sand castle building and then a turf area for me to set up camp with my beach garb. That's not really asking for much, is it? I don't really know who "they" is that I'm saying can install the turf to replace the sandy beaches. Maybe the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost? Can you hook that up for me, Lord?

But the ocean, I love. I wouldn't change a thing about it. Okay, maybe a little less on the seaweed and algae action because it gets inside my swimming suit and that's gross when you remove your bikini top and find that your boobs are covered with green sea substance, but otherwise the ocean is perfect. Nothing makes me happier than swimming in the ocean.

It's impossible to walk out of the ocean looking sexy. I don't even try to look sexy. My goal when walking out of the ocean is to make sure that I still have my bikini top and bottom on my body and in the correct placement. I don't want a boob popped out of the side of my top or an exposed ass cheek or heaven help something worse. I lost my top once today when a wave hit me. Luckily I recovered it quickly before it drifted out to sea.

Bo Derek I am not.

Walking in sand is a tricky thing. I feel like people that look good when walking in sand should list it as a talent. Because it truly takes talent to walk on the beach and not look intoxicated. Next time you're at the beach just stop and watch everybody. They all look drunk. Old people, teenagers, kids. Everybody's stumbling around.

Today I caught myself smiling/laughing to myself at a little boy that was terrified of the ocean. His dad was luring him out in the water and the boy was hating every minute of it. He started crying and then semi-screaming. Why did I delight in his panic? This makes me sound like I have real issues. Really I just found it humorous because I don't understand when people don't like the ocean. How can you not love it? It's a magical and mystical place. Like Disney World. So much to explore. And you can splash around and pretend like you're being your favorite sea creature or a mermaid. You're out there playing so hard like you're 8 but really you're 28 but no one has to know because it just appears to others as though you're swimming normally (well, hopefully it appears that way). Inside your head you're Ariel and you're looking for Flounder and Sebastian. And Prince Eric. I'm always searching for a Prince Eric.

While in the ocean I've seen a lot of extreme high-fiving going on. This group of three guys that were floating near me sure wanted to high five for everything they accomplished. I just threw a football. High five! I just finished a beer. High five! I just saw a fish. High five! Here comes a wave. High five!
And they all had on their hats backward. And they all kept looking at their arm muscles and flexing. And they all referred to each other as "Man" or "Dude". Draw your own conclusions and call them what you may, but there was a major case of douchebaggery out in the ocean waters with me.

The aforementioned douchelords are probably laughing about me right now as they chug their beers and smash their empty cans into their foreheads thinking about the 28 year old that was out in the ocean splashing around while playing "mermaid". Yeah, well at least I'm not a douchelord.

I miss my dog so much when I'm away from home. I've already found myself calling out for her a couple of times. Tonight I even threw a pretzel on the floor because it's habit for me to share my snacks with her. It was just an automatic reflex and then I felt like a moron because I'm sure I looked crazy launching a pretzel across the room. Momma's coming home to you soon, Daisy Mae. I will fill your belly with delicious food in just a few more days.

And now I must sign off. My mom just came out and asked if I happened to bring any nail polish remover. The answer is no. She looked scared. She then proceeded to tell me that she dropped a bottle of nail polish and it splattered all over the tile floor in the living room of the condo. I went in to look at it and I feel like I need to go get some yellow caution tape. It looks like a murder has been committed inside. Red nail polish everywhere. On the floor. On the baseboards. Even on the wall. Yeesh. Cleaning time. This is just a typical thing that my family would do. As my Mom said, "{Sigh} It's always somethin'. I swear." That statement was then followed by, "So much for this night. I can't have nothin'." Hilarious.

Later, kids. I'll write more very soon.