Breaking Bows.

Traditions. Sometimes traditions are fun. Sometimes they're just plain weird. When I was planning my wedding, I was pretty anti-traditions. Of course I wanted a pretty dress and a beautiful bouquet because it would make me look stunning, clearly. As far as the bouquet/garter toss, first dance, or making a big deal out of slicing a cake, no thank you. Have you ever researched the traditions behind a wedding? Why we do the things we think we have to do? If you haven't read up on these traditions, you should. Some are pretty entertaining while some are a little morbid. I like to always know the why behind things.

Even the bridal shower has a weird tradition/superstition. When the bride opens a gift and she happens to break a bow or ribbon, it is said this equals a baby she will have. You either hear, "Break those ribbons!" or "Be careful not to break too many!". This is usually followed by roars of laughter and other little comments about a baby. Um. Can we focus on getting married first? Don't you love how life is on a "timeline" and everyone wants to rush things right along for you?

When these comments happened to me at my bridal showers, I really didn't think much of it. I broke a few to oblige my mom. Breaking a bow or two always seems to be a crowd pleaser for the older generations. I hadn't thought about this odd superstition since my wedding showers until I was sitting at a wedding shower for my brother and his fiancé this weekend. As I was writing down the list of gifts they received, I started hearing rumblings from the crowd of wanting them to break bows. This time, it hit me differently. I was suddenly thankful I had a job to do. It was good to keep my hands and mind busy. A lady sitting beside me mentioned the bow-breaking many, many times so I heard it over and over during the opening of gifts. I couldn't help but to feel sad as she yelled across the room to my mom saying she probably hoped they would break some bows so she could be a grandmother. I wasn't mad at the lady. She was just doing what many do at bridal showers. She probably doesn't know my current circumstances. Plus, I'm just in a sensitive place and it's not her fault that a tradition that has gone on for ages happens to make me feel sad. But it did. Especially since I had just discovered that morning that I had another unsuccessful month with yet another failed cycle. I didn't want to hear comments about bows being broken and having lots of future babies. Although I want nothing more than for them to be blessed with one or many babies one day if that is their hearts desire. But I also want a turn. I broke bows too, dang it! While sitting at the shower, at one moment, I wanted to cry because I felt sorry for myself for a brief moment. In the next moment, I was angry and wanted to snap and yell out, "I had no idea that's all it takes! Hand me a present so I can break a bow"!

Break a bow. Tear a ribbon. If only having a baby could be that simple...

Here Goes Nothing.

I haven't posted on this blog in a year and a half! Whoa. I don't even think I've read any blogs either during that time. So much has happened while I've been gone. I guess I was living life so hard that I didn't have much time to write about it. Or I've just been lazy. Probably the latter. So much has happened that I think it's impossible to catch up, but here's a big highlight: I got married last summer! Yes, to the guy that I mentioned in previous posts that gave me those butterflies I was waiting on.

 Photo by Pure7 Studios

Photo by Pure7 Studios

Photo by Pure7 Studios

It was such a great day. I love being married and I love him. But that's not really what brought me back to my blog. I always used this blog as an outlet. I loved that I had readers and the connection and community that it brought about, but that was never really what it was completely about. I originally started it not for the audience I hoped I would have, but for me. It was a way for me to get words out, and if it provided entertainment or helped someone along the way, even better.

I'm here because I need to get words out and I guess I feel like publishing them for strangers on the internet is good therapy. Today I posted on Instagram (Follow me @sarahmphillips4) that I feel "magenta". Those that know me well know I love The Golden Girls. Those women are wise and they have advice for everything. I feel like they're my friends. And I thank them for being a friend. I can relate everything in my life to a Golden Girls episode. And I've seen every episode at least 53 times. At least.

The spicy Blanche Devereaux is the one that coined the expression of feeling magenta. I have felt this way many times over the years for many different reasons. Today has been one of those "magenta" days. Whenever I'm feeling all jumbled up, I think of Blanche's description:

"Magenta. That's what I call it when I get that way--all kinds of feelings tumbling all over themselves. Well, you know you are not quite blue, because you're not really sad. And although you are a little bit jealous, you wouldn't say you are green with envy. Every now and then you realize you are kinda scared, but you'd hardly call yourself yellow. I hate that feeling. I just hate it. And I hate the color magenta. That's why I named it that." -Blanche Devereaux

Today I feel all of these tumbled up feelings because of this word: Infertility. I haven't been through a fraction of what some women have. Of what some women I personally know have been through, but I'm struggling. And I'm hurting. I'm hopeful. Yet I'm scared. So many feelings. So many thoughts. So many fears. So many questions.

1 in 8 women in the U.S. is struggling with infertility. 7.3 million people. You never know who in your life might be struggling. It's not something you can just casually bring up, "Hi, I'm Sarah. I like dogs, and ice cream, and I'm infertile. How are you?" I'm a private person. For many it's a private, silent struggle. I typically live by the policy that I will share anything but you just have to ask. I'm not one to volunteer a lot of information. But this is different. I'm to the point that I want to talk about it. So many women struggle with infertility, but why are we struggling in silence? My doctor has been great and has answered so many of my questions, but I need a support system. I want to hear from others who have been in or are currently in my shoes. I want reassurance. I want honesty. I want a sounding board. I want someone that when I say, "I'm okay" to understand that I'm really not. This has been the hardest thing to hear and try to accept. You're shame-filled and it's an indescribable lonely place.

I was talking to a friend earlier and told her that it's such a cycle. In one moment, I'm happy. Then I receive news and I'm sad. Then I'm hopeful again. Then I'm disappointed. The cycle continues over and over. I left a doctor's appointment today and got in the car and cried. The same reaction I've had over the last few appointments. Even if the news I get from my doctor wasn't horrible, I cry.
I cried off and on all afternoon. I couldn't explain my feelings. I wasn't necessarily sad. I wasn't mad. I think it's a mixture of fear and exhaustion. Mental exhaustion. More unknowns. More of not really getting clear answers. More trying something else. More thoughts of "what if it never works".

After the doctor, I drove to the pharmacy to pick up new meds. I'm greeted by the pharmacist who before she hands me the prescription asks, "Are you pregnant"? I stared blankly. The imaginary dagger that I felt going into my heart made it skip a beat. Tears stung my eyes. I know she has to ask that question. That's her job. But hearing someone ask that when you know at the moment it's not even a possibility is the worst kind of pain.

Without pouring my whole history out in one blog post, I will say that I have always known infertility is something I would probably deal with. Since the age of 15, I have had issues of the female variety. In 2007 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Along with it has brought a whole host of other issues. I switched doctors several months ago and it has been the best decision for me medically. It's been a fast process that's about made my head spin clean off, but this doctor has accomplished more and given me more answers than I have received in the past 17 years. My doctor is being aggressive due to my past medical history and my age and I appreciate that more than he will ever know. He understands my great desire to have a baby and he is trying everything to make that happen. This month I had a surgery. I got some answers but still have some unknowns. We're still in early stages of it all. There are still many options to try if needed, and we're currently about to start a new phase of meds.

In my head, I hoped my fears of infertility would be wrong. That I was just paranoid. I hoped I would get married, come off birth control, wait the recommended few months, try to get pregnant. Bam. Baby. The pictures in our head makes things seem so easy and tidy sometimes. Sadly, it can be a messy reality.

Since getting married, I feel like certain places, certain events, being around certain people are a land mine waiting to blow. So many people ask, "So when are you all going to have kids?" "Are you trying?" I know it's innocent. I know it's the next natural step for a married couple. Heck, I've even asked those kind of questions before I was on the other end of it. Now I'm not prepared for how to answer those questions. How do you answer them without instantly making that person feel bad that they asked or making them take pity on you? The truth is, we have been trying. We're not successful. We can't biologically do it on our own. I just plaster a smile, try not to get defensive, go into robot mode, and mumble something. Usually a lie about us just not being ready yet because I really don't know what to say. How much is too much to divulge?

There's really no good way to wrap up a heavy post. I just needed to get it out. I don't want to silently struggle. I need help understanding it and if I can possibly help someone else by talking about it, fantastic. Life is hard. Let's support one another.