I Don't Have a Clever Title for This Post.

This post is the birth child of the relationship I have with Procrastination. We're down and dirty tonight. I really need to be finishing up my Progress Reports that have to go home with my kids tomorrow. I just really don't want to. Not yet. I want to continue to sit on my couch being all warm while eating cookies and drinking Sunkist. That's all I want to do right now. That's all I want to do for the rest of my life. And I guess I want to write for you guys too.

Hmm. So what can I share with you all? There's not much that's new in my life since my post last night when I sat on my couch and watched The Bachelor. I mean, I slept and then went to school today. That's about it.

You don't want to hear about my sleep patterns so I guess that leaves school for me to talk about. Get ready, get set. Here we go.

My kids were a little less talkative today. Maybe I'll just say that it was better than yesterday. This week has it in for me though. Full moon and Friday the 13th? That's a double whammy. And then I've gotta throw Progress Reports and a Faculty Meeting in the mix.

The good thing is that a long weekend is on the way. Thank you, MLK. Thank you. And I'm beyond ready for it and it's only Tuesday.

One of my students broke her leg over the Christmas break and today was her first day back with us. Poor little thing is in a wheelchair. Today I realized just how non-wheelchair accessible my classroom is. It's going to be an interesting 4 weeks. And I also realized how much my kids like to stare at a person in a wheelchair. My class stared at her all day. I'm thinking it was an envy thing. I mean, I was jealous of her sweet set of wheels.

Pandora has been blocked from our district server indefinitely. Boo. Pandora is my jam. My kids love it too. They keep asking me if I can turn on "the internet radio". I wish, kids.

Today we did our polar bear tree map, courtesy of Deanna Jump.

One of my boys said, "Polar bears are endangered". Another kid turned to him and said, "That's a big word. How did you know that?" He replied, "Ms. Marcum taught me that one day from her Coke can". See? Me being a Coke drinker really does help the future. I'm teaching even when I don't realize it. I knew I drank Cokes for a reason. Now it's so evident. We really are helping to save the Arctic.

Now I know what you all are thinking. You're looking at that polar bear that I made for the chart and you're thinking I missed my calling as an art teacher. Look at that neck. Polar bears have long necks, but my polar bear looks like he's in misery with his neck. I'm no artist. That's for sure. I am actually pretty proud of it considering it was made without templates. All free hand cutting, baby.

My kids contributed every single one of those facts. They've been great listeners over the past two days. They're animal lovers like their teacher. They have been so geeked over our arctic unit that we started last week. I had two parents tell me that their kids were so excited over the weekend and couldn't wait for Monday. You see, we saved the polar bear as our last arctic animal to learn about and Monday and today have been polar bear fact learning days. I hope I didn't let the kids down. That's some serious pressure to hear that a kid barely slept because they were excited for your lesson.

When the custodian came in my room after school she dropped some of the things out of my trash can. She said, "I'm feeling lazy today". And then she turned and walked out of my room. And left this trash on the floor.

Oh yeah? Well I'm feeling angry today.

Now I'm paranoid. What if she finds my blog? Maybe I shouldn't talk about actual people in my life. I may have trash dumped on my floor every day now. Great, Sarah. Just great.

In addition to not having a title for this post, I also don't have a good way to end it. So here it goes. 

See ya.

My Takes on The Bachelor. If You Have it DVR'd and Haven't Watched Yet, Don't Proceed.

Woo doggies. I could feel every bit of the full moon's powerful force on my children today. We were alive and well on this Monday. I'll sing it again for emphasis. Alive and well! If I had the power to make my head spin, it would have today. It would have spun so hard that sparks would have shot out of it as I short-circuited. I've been trying to teach so hard since we've been back from break (all 5 days), but my kids, God love 'em, they will not. stop. talking. EVER. I can't control them anymore by myself. It appears as though I'm sending SOS signals to my Assistant from across the room. I'm not. It's just the uncontrollable twitches from my eyeballs.
And we're testing this week. By the time we finished our testing section today, I almost put my coat on and packed up to go home because I was sure it had taken us every bit of 7 hours to complete. I was sure the school day was over. I was worn out and ready to melt on the classroom rug in a puddle of pure nervous mess.

Anyway. Onto bigger and brighter things.

I have an exciting bit of news from my hometown tonight. I feel like a news anchor. Our university campus (WKU) has officially become a Coke campus. See, they've had a contract with Pepsi for eons and eons. Now they've switched to the Real thing. Coke. Ahh. This will come in handy for me the one time per year that I'm actually on campus. Maybe. If I even decide to buy a Coke.
I'm just happy for the people of the community. Red machines need to replace those unsightly blue ones. It's a win for all, really. And sadly, this is a real-life example of big news as it happens in my town. It's dominated the facebook news feed today. It's the little things.

Okay. It's really time to get down to business. Here I was yesterday saying I couldn't write anymore and I've managed to ramble on without much problem. At all.

This leads me to the real point of the post. Yesterday I asked for some suggestions for posts. Thanks for the nice comments, by the way. You all are pals for a lifetime. Little Miss Laura suggested that I do a blow-by-blow on my takes of The Bachelor as I watch it. I thought it was genius. She's a genius. Laura follows me on Twitter and she noticed that last week I pretty much Tweeted my thoughts the entire show, so it does make sense to just say "rama lama ding dong" and make it a post. Problem solved. Thanks for the writing inspiration. Way to go, Laura.

The really sad fact? I've been looking forward to The Bachelor all day. This is my highlight. Right here. Right now.

So. Here I go. I'm back to feeling like a news anchor. Sarah here reporting to you LIVE! This is so riveting.

Be prepared. I'm just typing my thoughts as I view the show. It may not make a lot of sense. It won't make a lick of sense if you didn't watch the show.

I really wanted to title this post: Bachelor Bitchin'. I decided against it even though I think it's pretty genius. Maybe I'll use it next week. If all of my wildest dreams could come true, I'd love to do a Bachelor Bitchin' link up so that all of you could write down your thoughts of the show and we can share them together for all the world to see. Only in my wildest dreams. Some dreams are just too big.

And it starts:

• "He brings out things in me that I haven't been in touch with in a long time." -said by every Bachelor contestant ever
• "The claws are coming out" -said by one of the girls during the previews of every show
• Where's Grandma? Bring her back.
• What the heck is the Bachelor's name? I can't remember it for anything. Brian? Ben?
• His hair is always looking greasy. And frizzy.
• "He's so Sonoma-fied." No, he's just uglified.
• His name is Ben. One of the girls just said it. Ben, Ben, Ben. Why can't I remember that?
• "I'm hoping for a date of some sort."--says every single one of the girls. Um. Isn't that the point?
• He is so fugly.
• "I'm the luckiest girl alive right now." No you're not. I am. I'm sitting on my couch with my heated throw. I'm in a much better place than you are right now. You're probably sitting at home crying because Ben didn't choose you.
• "Let's go for a stroll and get the night going."--Ben
•  Ben, you're a loser.
• I hate Kacie B's laugh. Hate it.
• You're wrong, Ben. Most men WOULD walk down the street and twirl a baton with a woman. I mean, I know a woman needs to be good at handling a baton...amiright, ladies? Ladies?
• "It's like we're the only two people on earth right now." Well, Kacie. You're the only 2 people in Sonoma right now. You're in ghost town.
• Ben's hair is awful. And I usually like guys with longer shaggy hair. 
• I can't move on from it yet. He has jr. high hair. He looks just like all the guys I was in 7th grade with.
• "I am a hopeless romantic."--says Kacie B.  No! Say it ain't so!
• "I'm not here to go on a date with 11 other girls." No, really you are here to go on a date with 11 other girls.
• I hate that Ben is wearing a vest. 
• I'm a pretty huge Ben fan. Obviously.
• Are they sharing one bag of popcorn and one Coke at their "movie"? A small bag and small cup at that? That would not do for me. 
• Home videos? Are they getting married? This is their first date. Why are they watching home videos?
• And they're crying in front of each other on a first date. So awkward.
• Man. Ben was a real looker when he was a kid too.
• I hate hearing kissing sounds. So extra loud because they're mic'd. Double the slobber.
• Oh Lord. Kacie's already in love.
• For real. Bring back the Grandma. She was the best one.
• I love how you can hear crickets when the girls see those kids as the play writes. That's hilarious. They were scared to death.
• Blakeley. Holy boobs. "I hope he sees me." Oh he sees you girl. He sees both of you.
• And they're making her jog in place...Cover your eyes, kids!
• Courtney is scary.
• "I hope for Ben to see me in a different light today." Jenna, we all hope to see you in a different light today.
• Was Samantha supposed to be Anna Faris from House Bunny in the play? I'm confused.

• Ben has the worst prince voice ever. He's no prince.
• Okay. Samantha's a pig. Not a bunny. My mistake. She still looks like Anna Faris though.
• Jaclyn is busted.
• Ben. There are kids in the audience. Keep the clothes on. I'm just using the kids as an excuse. Keep the clothes on for the sake of us all.
• VIP Cocktail Waitress. That's Blakeley's job. I understand now.
• Why does Samantha keep reminding me of people? Do you all remember this girl? Erica Rose from that season of The Bachelor with the ugly prince? Samantha kinda reminds me of her too.

• I'm pretty awesome with names and facts, but I'm not that awesome. I had to google Erica Rose's name.
• Blakeley wears some dang long earrings.
• Jaclyn: woof.
• Do all of these girls seem so much uglier in tonight's show than they did last week? They seem uglier to me. I would say I feel sorry for Ben, but no. They're still too good looking for him.
• Courtney's forehead is extra shiny.
• Courtney could easily star as a lead psycho in a Lifetime movie. She wouldn't have to act. She'd be pretty fantastic actually.
• I'm so thirsty. I need another Coke.
• Ben really just said, "Welcome home". I want to punch him in the face so hard right now.
• I feel like he's a horrible kisser. It sure sounds like it.
• I can't get over Blakeley's earrings.
• Yeah, Ben "saw a different side" of Blakeley. We all did.
• Jenna The Blogger has been awfully quiet this evening. I'm kind of disappointed in her. It's time to cry, honey.
• Blakeley got the rose. Ah sookie, sookie. Girls gon' fight.
• Red head girl (I don't know her name and I don't care) is crying because she didn't get that rose? Really? There was only one rose. And like 10 girls. Not good odds. Dumb.
• Genius quote of the night from Blakeley: "That hot tub was so hot".
• I just made my brother come in the room to look at the TV. I said, "Hey, that girl [Courtney] is a model. What do you think?" He said, "Well, she has big eyebrows." 
• Ben's poor dog looks terrified.
• I can make my Daisy howl like that. It's regular entertainment around my house.
• Courtney just said she likes Ben and she said "we'll keep you". Who is we? Courtney really is crazy.
• I feel like Courtney hates Ben's dog and is annoyed by it. I'd imagine her saying, "Oh. Your dog is cold, is he? I'll show him cold!" And then she picks the dog up and throws it in the lake. That's what she really wants to do. But cameras are around. And she wants to win. So she's holding back.
• Courtney's whole voice and tone is different around Ben. Man. She's good. 
• This show is pretty boring. I've actually enjoyed the commercial breaks more than the actual show.
• I've sure said a lot though for this show being "boring". 
• I miss Jenna The Blogger and her drama and crying. Bring that back, Jenna. Bring it back.
• Also, bring back Grandma.
• How does Jenna get to claim her job title as "Blogger". What is her blog? Is it profitable? Enough that she's able to live in NYC? These are the things I need to know right now.
• If Courtney says "winning" one more time I'm going to punch her in the face.
• I'm just going to line her and Ben up and punch them both in the face.
• I find myself shaking my head at almost everything Ben says. And not in a "yes! I totally agree with you" kinda way. It's in a "no, you're a total moron, please shut up" kinda way.
• Courtney's thinking, "just shut up Ben and give me the dang rose".
• Yikes. I'm scared of her. Total Lifetime movie star.
• Yawn. This show is boring. I think I just zoned out for a good 10 minutes.
• Aw nah! Jenna's up to bat! This is what I'm talking about!
• I love that she just put that blanket over the candle. She's wanting to start fires!
• Did she just say she feels like she's a guy? She's freaking Ben out and I love it. And then she cleared it up by saying "I'm not a girl. If that makes sense?" It makes perfect sense, Jenna.
• How is she a blogger? She's the most awkward person with words I've ever seen. What kind of writer is she? I imagine her to be a Carrie Bradshaw wannabe. A very unstable Carrie.
• Whoa. Why is Jenna in bed? Don't mind her. She's just crying herself to sleep.
• Samantha's cleavage is not nice at all. Holy monster boob fat.
• Now Blakeley's in a corner crying. This is not okay. NOBODY puts Blakeley in the corner.
• She's really hiding behind a pile of suitcases. I hope she is watching this back right now and realizes how ridiculous she looks.
• And that clock beside the bed Jenna is in says 2:05. Is that 2:05 in the a.m.? I'd be emotional too if I was around 18 girls and one ugly boy and it was that late. And plus they're in California. That'd be 4:05 my time. I'd be in bed crying too. Okay. Probably not. I'm usually up that late every night. I'm just trying to understand their craziness.
• If I plan on making it through next week's episode I'm going to have to make sure I've got a bottle of wine at the ready. 
• The rose ceremony music is so dramatic. And way too loud.
• Jaclyn? Ew. 
• Jenna is gone! Where are her tears now?
• Oh. I spoke too soon. There's the tears. Oh. Lots of tears. And she feels "sick". 
• She is a mess, guys. I'm worried about her. Where is she right now? Is she okay and stable?
• Next weeks episode looks promising. Hopefully.
• Whoa. Was this episode 2 hours? No wonder it seemed so long and I was yawning. I thought it was only a 1 hour episode this week. That's two hours of my life I can't get back.

Whew! That was a long one. Are you guys worn out? Did you even make it through or did you just scroll all the way down to this part to put an end to this nightmare? I don't blame you if you did. You might not want to relive the madness of the show twice.

If you made it to the end of this post, I have something very serious to ask you...

Will you accept this rose?

Well. I guess that's about it. I sure talked a lot. Guess that cured some of my bloggers block. 

I'm Blue Like Baby Carter.

Guys. I've got nothin'. My writing well has run dry. I have no stories. No bits of genius wisdom.

The most exciting news I received from the weekend is that Babyonce was born. Jay-Z (my rapper crush) and Beyonce welcomed Blue Ivy Carter into this world yesterday. That was exciting and it leads me to my deep thought for the day: if you were going to name your child a color, what would it be? Magenta? Aquamarine? Persimmon? Purple Mountain Majesty?

And did you know they rented out the entire hospital floor for the birth? They paid 1.3 million to do that. Sounds pretty reasonable. I just hope they don't plan on having like 10 kids in the future. This could get pretty expensive. I don't know if Jay-Z and Beyonce, being the mega music moguls that they are, can afford something like that.

Also, Beyonce checked into the hospital on Friday night under the name "Ingrid Jackson". This leads me to my next deep thought: if you had a fake name, what would it be?

I need help. Help me out of my bloggers block, friends. I want to write. I think I've just forgotten how. So I'm polling the audience.

What do you want to hear? Randoms? A serious story? Facts? A classroom post? Is there anything you want to know--any questions for me? Do you enjoy that I'm remaining quiet? I need your ideas and suggestions.

Help a girl out, please and thanks.

Oh, and if anyone can explain to me why the quote under my blog title has taken a cue from Mrs. Beyonce herself and gone "to the left, to the left", can you help me out with that too? It's driving me bonkers! It needs to be centered again.

My Granny Doesn't Like Me.

And if you want to find out why she doesn't like me, you have to read all the way to the bottom. That's a challenge because this post ended up being a long one. I'm long-winded though so you guys should expect that.

I've been trying to write this post for two hours. I've spent the majority of my time just staring at my living room wall. I'm exhausted. Already. This is sad considering that I've worked one day since December 16. What the heck is wrong with me? I feel like I have so much to tell you all but I can't form intelligible thoughts to save my life.

Once I got to school and saw my kids this morning I was glad to be back in the swing of things. I need to have routine in my life. I don't do well without a schedule.

The kids were all so happy to be back and they missed me. Can you blame them though? Going two weeks without seeing me? That's gotta be tough. If I weren't myself I would sure miss the heck out of me.

We spent our community circle time this morning talking about what Santa brought us. I always love hearing about the goods everyone gets. Everyone had a turn to share. It was fun. Especially since it took up a good 30 minutes. That's a win for everyone, but mainly for me.

My last kid to share started rambling off his list about what all he got. When he got to the part about getting a Kindle, I just stared at him. Then I said, "Wait a second. You got a Kindle?...Okay. That's all the share time we're going to have today."
Yes. I was jealous of a 6 year old today. Santa gave him the wrong gift. That was supposed to be for me.

Speaking of gifts...

Let me tell you a little bit about gifts.

This year the gifts that I received from my students were, well...how do I put this politely? Lacking. I received a few gift cards. For those I was very thankful. Gift cards are great. Some people say gift cards are not personal. I say that's crazy. I say they're the next best thing to cold hard cash. Cash and gift cards are personal. I love them. I will use them. Gift cards are for winners.

The few other things I received, well. Just junk. Like re-gifted junk. Like what in the eff am I going to do with this kinda junk. Like I might as well just leave this stuff in my car and drop it off at Goodwill kinda junk.

That makes me sound horrible. Please forgive me. I know gifts are not The Reason for the Season. I don't expect or deserve to get a dang thing from my students, but guys...come on. I'm not even going to talk about the things I got because I've blocked it all out. It's a new year, right? That's all in the past now.

I'll tell you about one of my favorite things though. One of my kids, bless her sweet soul. She picked out something from her bedroom to give to me. It was very thoughtful and very much a kindergarten thing to do. I actually got a kick out of her gift because her reasoning for giving it to me was great. When I unwrapped the gift (which was wrapped in toilet paper--it was clean toilet paper, by the way), I saw that it was a plastic snow globe. She told me she didn't want it anymore so she gave it to me. The water had turned "grayish-brownish" (her words). She knew I liked the color gray so she thought I would like it. Oh, why thank you! It was a gift with meaning. The snow globe is currently sitting in my re-gifting closet, but it was the thought that counts.

One more gift story and then I'm all done for now. My Dad's side of the family plays Dirty Santa every year for Christmas. The girls exchange gifts and then guys exchange.

This year I decided to make my gift extra special. Along with my gift, I included this special thing:

I just can't get enough of putting this picture of myself on my blog, obviously. So yes. Along with my spectacular gift, the lucky recipient was going to be the proud owner of my 8x10 school yearbook picture. Please look closely at the bottom left corner of the picture. That's right. It's autographed.
With love. XOXO.
I regret not making my autograph more rockstar and sloppy. I need to practice. I'm sure it's the first autograph of many. I'll get better and perfect it.

Now if that picture is not the gift that keeps on giving, then I don't know what is.

I was praying that my aunt would be the one to select my gift because I knew she would so not be amused by getting a jumbo picture of me. It was my lucky day because she chose my gift. And just as I suspected, her face said it all. It was glorious. I was thrilled. She hated it. Everyone else loved it. The other women in the family seriously liked it. I heard, "Oh, what a great picture." or "I love that frame!"

The guys in the family got that it was a joke and they were laughing and telling me I had done well.

My gift ended up being stolen 3 times until it was deemed "dead". I couldn't believe it. I thought about stealing it back once myself because I'm a narcissist, but I resisted. I told the family that if my autographed pictures were in that much of a demand that I would start selling them for $5 a piece. I had a Sharpie available.

My Granny ended up stealing my gift last and she was the one that got to keep it. I was actually excited that Granny ended up with my picture. You see, Granny's hallway at her house is lined with framed photos of the family. Years worth of pictures are in this hall. It's "the hallway". You want to be in "the hallway". That's how you know Granny loves you. You've either got to be in the hallway in a picture frame or represented by a refrigerator magnet you bought her on her fridge. I haven't made the hallway since my high school senior picture days. That's over 11 years ago. I've seised to exist to Granny since I was 17.

So anyway. I was all excited and kept boasting that my adult self was finally going to make "the hallway". And I was going to have a picture like none of the other cousins. Mine came included with an autograph. Visitors to the house might think Granny had a famous granddaughter. My thoughts just kept getting better and better. This was going to be great! What a proud moment.

...but then...a dramatic turn...

My Granny lives in a small town 20 minutes south and the day after Christmas she made my uncle drive up to my parents house to deliver something.

He delivered my framed picture. He returned it. She didn't want it.

Yes. You read that right.

Kept all of the other components of my gift but my Granny returned my picture. My 8x10 glorious yearbook picture. That was autographed. A picture of her granddaughter. Her own flesh and blood. Man. I feel loved. So much for making "the hallway". Only in my dreams.

When I'm over at her house next Thanksgiving (because sadly that's probably the next time we'll have a family get together), you best believe I'm coming equipped with a hammer, a nail, and my framed picture. I'll see to it that I make "the hallway". Sorry Granny.