Randoms. Vacation Style.

I'm currently in the Sunshine State, my friends. It's glorious here. The sun sure is shining. I am shining. I'm a shiny, happy person. Right now I'm enjoying my night by sitting on the balcony feeling the warm salty breeze, hearing the crash of the waves, and listening to my favorite Pandora station (Incubus radio)...all while inhaling plumes of secondhand smoke. I'll explain the last part further down the post.

I have spent all of my time either on this balcony or on the sand directly below. It's been unfortunate.

Now, on with the vacationy randoms:

I hate riding in the car for long distances. I get really restless. I prefer sleeping the majority of the way so that I'm oblivious to the boringness of the ride. I couldn't sleep on the ride down. Luckily I brought a season of The Golden Girls to help me pass the time. Those ladies always save the day.

I'm a stupid packer. I always end up bringing way too much stuff with me. When I started to unpack my things here, I realized that I could easily stay for a month without having to go and shop for new things. Of course I would still go and shop for new things anyway because I'm on vacation and you have to shop when you're on vacation. Duh. However, if I was in a pinch and couldn't shop for whatever reason, I have enough clothing items to mix and match nearly a months worth of outfits. I packed 12 tank tops, 6 dresses, 2 tops, 5 swimming suits, 4 cover-ups, a skirt, a pair of jeans, a pair of capris, 3 pairs of shorts, and 7 pairs of shoes. I almost brought 3 additional pairs of shoes but tossed them out at the last minute when I remembered that I purchased 3 new pairs of shoes when I was down here last year. I'm going to be here for 6 nights. I seriously have 20 outfits to choose from.

I also bring way too many books. It's just so hard to choose. Do I need 5 books while at the beach? No. Will I make it through 5 books? No. I'll be lucky to even make it through one.

Why will I be lucky to even make it through one book, you ask? That's because Sarah is too busy eavesdropping while laying out on the beach. While I appear to be engrossed in my book, I'm really just using it as a cover so that I can listen to the people beside me talk about their non-stop nonsense that for some reason is really interesting to me. Yesterday I heard all about valet parking being a rip off and then heard a review of every restaurant in the gulf region including the price range of entrees and server quality. I learned a lot. Oh, and I read 10 pages in my book. I'm well on my way to finishing these 5 books I brought...

I also had a really annoying guy beside me on the beach that decided to not use ear buds like normal people when listening to the music on an iPod. He blared it out for all to hear. And it was country music of all things. And then a girl that was 3 chair groupings away (she was a classy broad that liked to pee in the sand behind her chair) came over and had the nerve to tell him to turn it up. She was "jamming to it". For the love. I was in beach hell. To make it worse the guy had to sing along to every single song. And the weird thing was that he didn't sing along to the obvious verses and chorus. No, no. He wanted to do the background vocals. The awkward oohs and yeah-yeah-yeahs. Geez, buddy. Settle down. This isn't an audition for Nashville Star.

The perpetrator is on the left. He was really singing hard when I took this picture. Too bad that umbrella pole is in the way. It's blocking his mouth going "Ohhhh. Yeah, yeah, yeah."

The first night here I ended up falling asleep on the chaise lounge on the balcony of our condo. So I say "ended up" like it was accidental. That's a lie. I purposely slept outside. It sounded like a fun and smart idea and it looked like a more comfortable option than my bed. I love sleeping outside. If I could have a tree house like the Swiss Family Robinson, I would. That would be the greatest.

via

It would be impossible to sleep outside in KY like I did here though because we have too many dang bugs. I'd be eaten alive at home. Bug spray and a tent would be a necessity. Bugs don't seem to exist here in Florida though, so the idea was golden.

Before I drifted off to sleep in my outside balcony bedroom, the thought crossed my mind about sleepwalking. I was afraid I was going to sleepwalk for the first time in my life and climb the rail to plummet 11 stories to my death. That would have been super scary. Glad I didn't decide to sleepwalk.

Sleeping outside for the night was a bit strange. The crash of the ocean waves in real life aren't quite as soothing as they are on my nature sounds alarm clock at home. They're pretty dang noisy. And the moon is super bright when you're up in a tall high rise building because you're pretty much feeling like you're parallel with it. And then you might randomly wake up around 2 in the morning like I did and rub your eyes real hard because you swear you see two teenage kids doing a sexual act on the side of the swimming pool below. Duck and cover. I think they just looked up and saw me. My cover was blown. That wasn't the only thing that was blown...Ahem...

The people in the condo above us smoke. A lot. I've spent so much time out on our balcony that I've secondhand smoked each cigarette along with them. I bet I've inhaled at least a pack today alone. It's disgusting. I hate you and your stinky cigarettes. These people also apparently like to fry bacon on their balcony. I'm really curious about them. I'm kinda thinking all they do is smoke cigarettes and eat bacon. Really weird. I feel like they're really enjoying my music along with me right now. Maybe they'll be like the 'pee in the sand lady' and tell me to turn it up. I can only hope.

I love the ocean. It's my favorite thing about the whole beach scene. I could really do without all the sand. I like it when it's dry but not when it's wet. I don't like it sticking to my skin and it always manages to find its way into cracks and crevices. It's too bad they can't install some of that indoor/outdoor turf in place of the sand. Maybe do it half and half. A sand play place for sand castle building and then a turf area for me to set up camp with my beach garb. That's not really asking for much, is it? I don't really know who "they" is that I'm saying can install the turf to replace the sandy beaches. Maybe the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost? Can you hook that up for me, Lord?

But the ocean, I love. I wouldn't change a thing about it. Okay, maybe a little less on the seaweed and algae action because it gets inside my swimming suit and that's gross when you remove your bikini top and find that your boobs are covered with green sea substance, but otherwise the ocean is perfect. Nothing makes me happier than swimming in the ocean.

It's impossible to walk out of the ocean looking sexy. I don't even try to look sexy. My goal when walking out of the ocean is to make sure that I still have my bikini top and bottom on my body and in the correct placement. I don't want a boob popped out of the side of my top or an exposed ass cheek or heaven help something worse. I lost my top once today when a wave hit me. Luckily I recovered it quickly before it drifted out to sea.

Bo Derek I am not.

Walking in sand is a tricky thing. I feel like people that look good when walking in sand should list it as a talent. Because it truly takes talent to walk on the beach and not look intoxicated. Next time you're at the beach just stop and watch everybody. They all look drunk. Old people, teenagers, kids. Everybody's stumbling around.

Today I caught myself smiling/laughing to myself at a little boy that was terrified of the ocean. His dad was luring him out in the water and the boy was hating every minute of it. He started crying and then semi-screaming. Why did I delight in his panic? This makes me sound like I have real issues. Really I just found it humorous because I don't understand when people don't like the ocean. How can you not love it? It's a magical and mystical place. Like Disney World. So much to explore. And you can splash around and pretend like you're being your favorite sea creature or a mermaid. You're out there playing so hard like you're 8 but really you're 28 but no one has to know because it just appears to others as though you're swimming normally (well, hopefully it appears that way). Inside your head you're Ariel and you're looking for Flounder and Sebastian. And Prince Eric. I'm always searching for a Prince Eric.

While in the ocean I've seen a lot of extreme high-fiving going on. This group of three guys that were floating near me sure wanted to high five for everything they accomplished. I just threw a football. High five! I just finished a beer. High five! I just saw a fish. High five! Here comes a wave. High five!
And they all had on their hats backward. And they all kept looking at their arm muscles and flexing. And they all referred to each other as "Man" or "Dude". Draw your own conclusions and call them what you may, but there was a major case of douchebaggery out in the ocean waters with me.

The aforementioned douchelords are probably laughing about me right now as they chug their beers and smash their empty cans into their foreheads thinking about the 28 year old that was out in the ocean splashing around while playing "mermaid". Yeah, well at least I'm not a douchelord.

I miss my dog so much when I'm away from home. I've already found myself calling out for her a couple of times. Tonight I even threw a pretzel on the floor because it's habit for me to share my snacks with her. It was just an automatic reflex and then I felt like a moron because I'm sure I looked crazy launching a pretzel across the room. Momma's coming home to you soon, Daisy Mae. I will fill your belly with delicious food in just a few more days.

And now I must sign off. My mom just came out and asked if I happened to bring any nail polish remover. The answer is no. She looked scared. She then proceeded to tell me that she dropped a bottle of nail polish and it splattered all over the tile floor in the living room of the condo. I went in to look at it and I feel like I need to go get some yellow caution tape. It looks like a murder has been committed inside. Red nail polish everywhere. On the floor. On the baseboards. Even on the wall. Yeesh. Cleaning time. This is just a typical thing that my family would do. As my Mom said, "{Sigh} It's always somethin'. I swear." That statement was then followed by, "So much for this night. I can't have nothin'." Hilarious.

Later, kids. I'll write more very soon.