My Takes on The Bachelor. If You Have it DVR'd and Haven't Watched Yet, Don't Proceed.

Woo doggies. I could feel every bit of the full moon's powerful force on my children today. We were alive and well on this Monday. I'll sing it again for emphasis. Alive and well! If I had the power to make my head spin, it would have today. It would have spun so hard that sparks would have shot out of it as I short-circuited. I've been trying to teach so hard since we've been back from break (all 5 days), but my kids, God love 'em, they will not. stop. talking. EVER. I can't control them anymore by myself. It appears as though I'm sending SOS signals to my Assistant from across the room. I'm not. It's just the uncontrollable twitches from my eyeballs.
And we're testing this week. By the time we finished our testing section today, I almost put my coat on and packed up to go home because I was sure it had taken us every bit of 7 hours to complete. I was sure the school day was over. I was worn out and ready to melt on the classroom rug in a puddle of pure nervous mess.

Anyway. Onto bigger and brighter things.

I have an exciting bit of news from my hometown tonight. I feel like a news anchor. Our university campus (WKU) has officially become a Coke campus. See, they've had a contract with Pepsi for eons and eons. Now they've switched to the Real thing. Coke. Ahh. This will come in handy for me the one time per year that I'm actually on campus. Maybe. If I even decide to buy a Coke.
I'm just happy for the people of the community. Red machines need to replace those unsightly blue ones. It's a win for all, really. And sadly, this is a real-life example of big news as it happens in my town. It's dominated the facebook news feed today. It's the little things.

Okay. It's really time to get down to business. Here I was yesterday saying I couldn't write anymore and I've managed to ramble on without much problem. At all.

This leads me to the real point of the post. Yesterday I asked for some suggestions for posts. Thanks for the nice comments, by the way. You all are pals for a lifetime. Little Miss Laura suggested that I do a blow-by-blow on my takes of The Bachelor as I watch it. I thought it was genius. She's a genius. Laura follows me on Twitter and she noticed that last week I pretty much Tweeted my thoughts the entire show, so it does make sense to just say "rama lama ding dong" and make it a post. Problem solved. Thanks for the writing inspiration. Way to go, Laura.

The really sad fact? I've been looking forward to The Bachelor all day. This is my highlight. Right here. Right now.

So. Here I go. I'm back to feeling like a news anchor. Sarah here reporting to you LIVE! This is so riveting.

Be prepared. I'm just typing my thoughts as I view the show. It may not make a lot of sense. It won't make a lick of sense if you didn't watch the show.

I really wanted to title this post: Bachelor Bitchin'. I decided against it even though I think it's pretty genius. Maybe I'll use it next week. If all of my wildest dreams could come true, I'd love to do a Bachelor Bitchin' link up so that all of you could write down your thoughts of the show and we can share them together for all the world to see. Only in my wildest dreams. Some dreams are just too big.

And it starts:

• "He brings out things in me that I haven't been in touch with in a long time." -said by every Bachelor contestant ever
• "The claws are coming out" -said by one of the girls during the previews of every show
• Where's Grandma? Bring her back.
• What the heck is the Bachelor's name? I can't remember it for anything. Brian? Ben?
• His hair is always looking greasy. And frizzy.
• "He's so Sonoma-fied." No, he's just uglified.
• His name is Ben. One of the girls just said it. Ben, Ben, Ben. Why can't I remember that?
• "I'm hoping for a date of some sort."--says every single one of the girls. Um. Isn't that the point?
• He is so fugly.
• "I'm the luckiest girl alive right now." No you're not. I am. I'm sitting on my couch with my heated throw. I'm in a much better place than you are right now. You're probably sitting at home crying because Ben didn't choose you.
• "Let's go for a stroll and get the night going."--Ben
•  Ben, you're a loser.
• I hate Kacie B's laugh. Hate it.
• You're wrong, Ben. Most men WOULD walk down the street and twirl a baton with a woman. I mean, I know a woman needs to be good at handling a baton...amiright, ladies? Ladies?
• "It's like we're the only two people on earth right now." Well, Kacie. You're the only 2 people in Sonoma right now. You're in ghost town.
• Ben's hair is awful. And I usually like guys with longer shaggy hair. 
• I can't move on from it yet. He has jr. high hair. He looks just like all the guys I was in 7th grade with.
• "I am a hopeless romantic."--says Kacie B.  No! Say it ain't so!
• "I'm not here to go on a date with 11 other girls." No, really you are here to go on a date with 11 other girls.
• I hate that Ben is wearing a vest. 
• I'm a pretty huge Ben fan. Obviously.
• Are they sharing one bag of popcorn and one Coke at their "movie"? A small bag and small cup at that? That would not do for me. 
• Home videos? Are they getting married? This is their first date. Why are they watching home videos?
• And they're crying in front of each other on a first date. So awkward.
• Man. Ben was a real looker when he was a kid too.
• I hate hearing kissing sounds. So extra loud because they're mic'd. Double the slobber.
• Oh Lord. Kacie's already in love.
• For real. Bring back the Grandma. She was the best one.
• I love how you can hear crickets when the girls see those kids as the play writes. That's hilarious. They were scared to death.
• Blakeley. Holy boobs. "I hope he sees me." Oh he sees you girl. He sees both of you.
• And they're making her jog in place...Cover your eyes, kids!
• Courtney is scary.
• "I hope for Ben to see me in a different light today." Jenna, we all hope to see you in a different light today.
• Was Samantha supposed to be Anna Faris from House Bunny in the play? I'm confused.

• Ben has the worst prince voice ever. He's no prince.
• Okay. Samantha's a pig. Not a bunny. My mistake. She still looks like Anna Faris though.
• Jaclyn is busted.
• Ben. There are kids in the audience. Keep the clothes on. I'm just using the kids as an excuse. Keep the clothes on for the sake of us all.
• VIP Cocktail Waitress. That's Blakeley's job. I understand now.
• Why does Samantha keep reminding me of people? Do you all remember this girl? Erica Rose from that season of The Bachelor with the ugly prince? Samantha kinda reminds me of her too.

• I'm pretty awesome with names and facts, but I'm not that awesome. I had to google Erica Rose's name.
• Blakeley wears some dang long earrings.
• Jaclyn: woof.
• Do all of these girls seem so much uglier in tonight's show than they did last week? They seem uglier to me. I would say I feel sorry for Ben, but no. They're still too good looking for him.
• Courtney's forehead is extra shiny.
• Courtney could easily star as a lead psycho in a Lifetime movie. She wouldn't have to act. She'd be pretty fantastic actually.
• I'm so thirsty. I need another Coke.
• Ben really just said, "Welcome home". I want to punch him in the face so hard right now.
• I feel like he's a horrible kisser. It sure sounds like it.
• I can't get over Blakeley's earrings.
• Yeah, Ben "saw a different side" of Blakeley. We all did.
• Jenna The Blogger has been awfully quiet this evening. I'm kind of disappointed in her. It's time to cry, honey.
• Blakeley got the rose. Ah sookie, sookie. Girls gon' fight.
• Red head girl (I don't know her name and I don't care) is crying because she didn't get that rose? Really? There was only one rose. And like 10 girls. Not good odds. Dumb.
• Genius quote of the night from Blakeley: "That hot tub was so hot".
• I just made my brother come in the room to look at the TV. I said, "Hey, that girl [Courtney] is a model. What do you think?" He said, "Well, she has big eyebrows." 
• Ben's poor dog looks terrified.
• I can make my Daisy howl like that. It's regular entertainment around my house.
• Courtney just said she likes Ben and she said "we'll keep you". Who is we? Courtney really is crazy.
• I feel like Courtney hates Ben's dog and is annoyed by it. I'd imagine her saying, "Oh. Your dog is cold, is he? I'll show him cold!" And then she picks the dog up and throws it in the lake. That's what she really wants to do. But cameras are around. And she wants to win. So she's holding back.
• Courtney's whole voice and tone is different around Ben. Man. She's good. 
• This show is pretty boring. I've actually enjoyed the commercial breaks more than the actual show.
• I've sure said a lot though for this show being "boring". 
• I miss Jenna The Blogger and her drama and crying. Bring that back, Jenna. Bring it back.
• Also, bring back Grandma.
• How does Jenna get to claim her job title as "Blogger". What is her blog? Is it profitable? Enough that she's able to live in NYC? These are the things I need to know right now.
• If Courtney says "winning" one more time I'm going to punch her in the face.
• I'm just going to line her and Ben up and punch them both in the face.
• I find myself shaking my head at almost everything Ben says. And not in a "yes! I totally agree with you" kinda way. It's in a "no, you're a total moron, please shut up" kinda way.
• Courtney's thinking, "just shut up Ben and give me the dang rose".
• Yikes. I'm scared of her. Total Lifetime movie star.
• Yawn. This show is boring. I think I just zoned out for a good 10 minutes.
• Aw nah! Jenna's up to bat! This is what I'm talking about!
• I love that she just put that blanket over the candle. She's wanting to start fires!
• Did she just say she feels like she's a guy? She's freaking Ben out and I love it. And then she cleared it up by saying "I'm not a girl. If that makes sense?" It makes perfect sense, Jenna.
• How is she a blogger? She's the most awkward person with words I've ever seen. What kind of writer is she? I imagine her to be a Carrie Bradshaw wannabe. A very unstable Carrie.
• Whoa. Why is Jenna in bed? Don't mind her. She's just crying herself to sleep.
• Samantha's cleavage is not nice at all. Holy monster boob fat.
• Now Blakeley's in a corner crying. This is not okay. NOBODY puts Blakeley in the corner.
• She's really hiding behind a pile of suitcases. I hope she is watching this back right now and realizes how ridiculous she looks.
• And that clock beside the bed Jenna is in says 2:05. Is that 2:05 in the a.m.? I'd be emotional too if I was around 18 girls and one ugly boy and it was that late. And plus they're in California. That'd be 4:05 my time. I'd be in bed crying too. Okay. Probably not. I'm usually up that late every night. I'm just trying to understand their craziness.
• If I plan on making it through next week's episode I'm going to have to make sure I've got a bottle of wine at the ready. 
• The rose ceremony music is so dramatic. And way too loud.
• Jaclyn? Ew. 
• Jenna is gone! Where are her tears now?
• Oh. I spoke too soon. There's the tears. Oh. Lots of tears. And she feels "sick". 
• She is a mess, guys. I'm worried about her. Where is she right now? Is she okay and stable?
• Next weeks episode looks promising. Hopefully.
• Whoa. Was this episode 2 hours? No wonder it seemed so long and I was yawning. I thought it was only a 1 hour episode this week. That's two hours of my life I can't get back.

Whew! That was a long one. Are you guys worn out? Did you even make it through or did you just scroll all the way down to this part to put an end to this nightmare? I don't blame you if you did. You might not want to relive the madness of the show twice.

If you made it to the end of this post, I have something very serious to ask you...

Will you accept this rose?

Well. I guess that's about it. I sure talked a lot. Guess that cured some of my bloggers block. 

The reason why I'm feeling awesome...

...I paid off this B today:

Booyah! My income tax money hit my bank account so I used the moolah to pay the remaining balance on my car off today. I called to make the final payment and I was so excited that I seriously teared up. I've been making payments on this thing for five loooooooong years. It's such a relief to know that I'm finished with it! Yay! This car is mine all mine and I don't owe anybody anything for it. GREAT feeling. You can't tell me nothin' right now.

Now I'm snuggled up on my big comfy couch with my heated blanket ready to watch The Bachelor. Brad better not pick Emily. I love that chick so much, and that's exactly why I don't want her to be chosen. She's too good for him. She can do better. I want her to come back as the next Bachelorette instead of becoming his fiancee. We'll see how it plays out. 

Oh, and I've also got one of these guys as a little Bachelor watching treat:

An Oreo Cheesecake Bar. Mmm-hmm.

Happy Monday, all!

These boots are made for falling and other randoms.

Don't let all the words in this post scare you. It's good stuff. Read on, children.

I tend to be a clumsy gal. I went out Saturday night and fell. Twice. Within a 30 minute period. In front of a lot of people. My falls weren't just little stumbles either. The first fall was a fall in full glory. I busted it. Legs came out from under me and I busted the ground with my butt. I blame it on my boots. My cowgirl boots are a little slick on the heel. Against certain types of flooring, mainly tile, they become a hazard. I should just know better than to wear them out, but they're so pretty, so it's worth it, right? I'll sacrifice a few seconds of embarrassment for wearing pretty shoes.
The second time I fell was on the dance floor. Ashley and I did a little butt bump, but I apparently wanted to keep the bump going. I passed it on to the floor.

Exhibit A

Today during free center time, I overheard a group of four of my girls talking. These girls are pretty tight. They all share a strong bond over a love for Justin Bieber. Baby, baby, baby, ohhh. He's their main conversation topic. I don't know what led them to this topic, but one girl shared with the others that her parents take showers together. This led to another girl sharing that her parents used to take showers together too...before her dad moved out. One of the other girls looked a little uncomfortable and said, "Let's not talk about this anymore." The other girl asked, "Why do your parents take a shower together?" At this point, they obviously felt me creeping and listening in to their conversation. They all turned and looked at me. I was then brought into the conversation and they asked me why parents take showers together. Crap. When my students ask me questions, I always try my best to give them educated and honest answers, but there are just some things that I can not and will not go into because their little kindergarten minds aren't ready. Discussing the reason why their parents take showers together is one of these instances. I quickly popped back with, "Um, because they want to save water." Yikes. Then I immediately followed up with my standard, "Let's talk about something else. This isn't appropriate to talk about at school." One of the girls said, "Okay, we won't talk about showers anymore." She kinda missed the part that was inappropriate. Now watch. They'll go home and tell their parents that I said it was good for parents to shower together because it's good for our environment. Let's hope I don't receive any notes tomorrow...
Let this be a lesson, parents. Kids watch everything and they WILL come to school and tell it. I know more than I want to know about a lot of families.

I feel so old sometimes. I probably act older than my 83 year old Granny. She's probably more hip than me. She drives a lime green Beetle after all. I embrace my oldness in my twenty-something body. The first thing I do when I get home is turn on my Mac Book and turn my heated blanket to high. Once I get my dog taken care of, I settle in on the couch for a night of TV watching and blog reading. It's so nice.
Some of you may think I'm about to reveal too much, but I don't censor or filter much. There's not much off limits with me, especially when it comes to gas release. Another example of me starting to feel old is that some of my gas expulsions are becoming harder to control. I've done several 'laughing farts' in the past week. You know, you're cracking up and have a fart squeak out. To me, it just makes me laugh even harder if that happens because, well, it's funny. Last week I did my first ever 'shh fart'. I was quieting down my class because they were off the hook. In mid "shh", one squeaked out. Luckily they didn't hear it because I was behind my desk showing something on the document camera. It was a close one though. Of course, immediately after it happened, I had to text Ashley, my BTF/love of my life best friend/next door classroom neighbor. I wrote, "Well. It's finally happened. In addition to the laughing fart I did this morning, I just farted while quieting my class. 'Shh (fart)'. Nice." Being the lovely friend that I appreciate, she opened my classroom door later in the afternoon and said, "Shh." Then made a fart noise with her mouth. Now that's a buddy.
Do I need to start taking Bean-o or something? Or is this just one of the perks I have to look forward to as I get older? What's the deal?

I'm kinda scared of Michelle on The Bachelor. She's like Regina George from Mean Girls. Beautiful but scary with a little touch of crazy. Her most intelligent quote of the night, in regards to repelling down the building: "I need to choose. Either I'm going to do this or I'm not going to do this." Um. Are there any other options, dear?

And what is it with Michelle's on The Bachelor? Remember this crazy?

Glad this week is started and that this Monday is winding down. It was a day. Shew.

Questions for you all:

1. Do you have uncontrollable farts? Laughing or Shh-ing ones?

2. What would you tell a 5 year old if they asked you why their parents take showers together? I feel like I need a good answer for this.

3. Does anybody else have an 83 year old Granny that drives a lime green Beetle? If so, let's get them together so they can be wild and crazy Granny friends together.