Letting Go of an Idea.

If you don't want to read the thoughts of Serious Sarah, then don't proceed. This post is going to have a bit of a different tone than most of my other posts. I'm kind of in a somber mood. We all get in a funk from time to time. I'm in one at the moment and trying to break myself out. Sometimes writing about it helps even though I hate writing posts like this. I feel so vulnerable and sappy. Yuck.
I was talking on the phone with a friend last night and we were catching up on how our summer breaks had been. I was telling her that I had been a little lonely as of late. I felt so lame for admitting that. And even more lame for admitting what brought on my feelings of loneliness--The 4th of July. Yes, it is true. Independence Day made me lonely. And why??
I feel like holidays, even little ones like the 4th can be so 'in your face' as a single person. It's in those moments that you realize you don't have anyone to share certain things with. No one to take with you to a party or share in something as corny as watching fireworks. When everyone else is busy with their spouse, significant other, family members, etc., those are times when loneliness sets in.
To me it was almost a bit ironic that I was feeling so lonely on Independence Day of all days. Yes, I realize this day has nothing to do with the celebration of me--but I couldn't help but think about the word independent a lot on that day. I've let this word define me for so many years now. I'm an "independent woman". I'm making it on my own and doing my thing without a man...and while I'm very much happy with my life and proud of myself for being independent, I can't help but to long for someone to share it all with (I mean, duh. Who doesn't want that?). And because everything in life reminds of of a SATC episode, I felt I related perfectly to how Carrie felt when no one showed up for her 35th birthday dinner:

Carrie: The longer I sat at that table, the more alone I felt. And it really hit me: I am 35 and alone!
Miranda: You are not alone.
Carrie: No, I know I have you guys, but...and really, I hate myself a little for saying this, but...it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me. No special guy to wish me happy birthday. No soul mate. And I don't even know if I believe in soul mates.

Oh, Carrie. You really are every woman.

And I came across this bit on Bits of Truth today. It really struck a chord with me. Just ignore the whole girl laying half naked in the bed deal and focus on the words (or don't ignore if you're into that sort of thing. I judge not). Even though, I must say, that girl could be me on the majority of my summer break days. Face planting in a bed and being lazy while wearing little to nothing. I need a life. Or a summer job.

"You will not find someone better if you won't let go of the idea that you already let go of the best."

Such simple words, but they're words that I needed to read today. See, recently I let myself swallow the dumbness that I might not find that "right person" a second time around. I thought maybe I was lucky to have loved once and that was my one shot at it. I found myself thinking that I would never find another man that I loved as much as I loved him. Writing it out makes it sound crazy. Rational Sarah knows it's crazy. I know if I tried explaining those feelings to people I would get the reactions that I get time after time. "You're still so young!" or  "You have so much time to find the right one." or "You're so much better off!"

Blah, blah. Bob Loblaw. Blah, blah.

Reading the words on the half naked lady picture made it clear to me that I am still hanging on to an 'idea' and even though all of that is in my past, it's still (sadly and pathetically after five years) affecting my present and my future. I have got to clear those thoughts from my head space. I've got to stop comparing others to him. It's so frustrating and I know all of that in my head, but it's getting my heart to understand that's the tricky part.

So there. I put myself out there and let you see a side of me that makes me feel like I need to be a mental patient after revealing that I am actually human and do have a serious side with feelings. That was only the most rambling sentence of all time. We all know by now that I'm not one on making my writing presentation one of great correctness with all of my starting choppy sentences with 'Ands' and such. Oh well. Like Forrest, that's about all I have to say about that. This will be my depressive post for the year. I just needed to get it out of my system. Thanks for listening. My next post will be better. Promise. Later, kids.