Trying to be thankful (while patiently waiting for my turn)

The majority of the time, I am fine with not being in a serious relationship. Really. Overall, I'm content. I'm happy with the way the pieces have fallen into place in my little life. Most of the time, I'm thankful I'm still "single" in the terms of not being married or faced with the responsibilities of raising a family. Ultimately, those are both things that I definitely want. I'm just not yet ready or prepared for that big of a commitment or responsibility. I enjoy the fact that I am still allowed to be selfish. I have "me" time all the time. I take care of myself and no one else. I can pretty much do what I want, when I want. I like the independence. Plus, marriage is a little scary to me. It's a huge commitment. One that I want to make and keep once.

I'd say that 95% of the time, I'm fine. I don't think about not being married. Or not having children. I feel fortunate and try to be happy with the life that is mine. However, sometimes, in those rare and dark moments, thoughts take over. A sadness. A longing. Feelings of jealousy, even. If I'm being really honest with myself, I can't deny that I sometimes long for more than what I have.

It makes me feel guilty and ashamed that I have feelings of jealousy towards others that do have more. I don't really have those feelings unless I'm surrounded by it. It's in those moments that I'm forced to come face-to-face with the difference in my life and theirs. It's when I realize that I'm the only single girl in the group. That I'm the only one that can't exchange stories about what my wedding was like. I can't flash my bling and compare rings with the other girls in the group. I can't talk about registries and showers. I can't talk about baby names and what pregnancy feels like. And in those moments, I'm sad. I'm sad that I haven't experienced those things, but also question (with fear) if I ever will.

I'm in my late 20s now. Rapidly approaching 30. With the exception of a few girlfriends, I feel that I've been left behind because I never boarded this fast moving marriage and baby train. It's an exaggeration, but I feel like everyone is married. Everyone is having babies. When is it going to be my turn? When am I going to be ready to jump on board? Will I ever be ready?

I don't want to be bitter when I'm in those situations of being surrounded by married couples and proud parents. I want to be able to have genuine happiness for others. It's hard though, because it makes me feel left out and it's hard to relate to something that you have no input about or experience with.

Sometimes when I see pictures come across my Facebook newsfeed from an engagement photo shoot, wedding shower, wedding, or honeymoon, my stomach cringes a little bit. Why? I feel it's so ridiculous to have feelings of jealousy. What right do I have to be jealous over others during their time of celebrations? It's not right, but again, if I'm being honest; I do get jealous. I still have a little sting that was left behind in my heart. It still hurts a little when I realize that I still haven't found what I'm looking for and someone else has.

Even when I'm watching a ridiculous and unrealistic reality show like the Bachelorette, I can find my mind drifting off towards the "let me feel sorry for myself because I'm all alone" feelings. I hear those sappy things the guys tell The Bachelorette during the dates. While many of the comments made by the men may not be said with the most sincerity (considering they've known her for two weeks) I think about what it would feel like to really have a man compliment me like that. To say sweet things. To say that I'm what he's been looking for. That he doesn't know what he'd do without me in his life. Some days that would be nice.

I don't know. I really am happy and thankful for what I have in the right now, but I can't help but to think ahead to the future for who the person will be that I finally get to share it all with. When the timing is right, it will happen. Until then, I'm trying to be thankful while patiently waiting for my turn...while waiting for my butterflies. :)