I'm a loser baby...

I'm aware that I'm a nerd. A bit of a loser. I know this about myself. It's when others point it out to me that it bothers me a little bit. Just let me be this way. Don't make me feel worse about it, okay? It's not that people actually say to face, "Oh my. You are such a nerd." or "What a loser!" No, no. Sometimes it's just written all over their face.

So, it's a Friday night...

Loser move #1: I stayed at school until 6:00. I don't have any kids to go home to. My dog is my kid. So, until I have the added responsibility of a family in my life, I feel that I can spend extra time at work and not feel guilty about it. I take pride in my work and really want to do a good job, so I just feel that I need to invest some extra time in it. That's just how I am. I know co-workers think I don't have a life, but that's okay. Just call me Cheryl.

Loser move #2: I met my parents for dinner at Garcia's. Garcia's, of course, is one of my favorite Friday night dinner spots. For some, eating out with the parents on a regular basis, which I do, would probably be a loser move. I have always enjoyed the company of my parents. I have fun being with them. Plus, if they invite me out to eat, I know I'm guaranteed a good and free dinner. For me, that's always a good thing.

Loser move #3: After dinner, I hopped in the car with them and went to run some "errands". We went to Target and I bought toilet paper. Awesome! We also went to Starbucks for a Pumpkin Spice Latte and then to Dad's office. Woohoo! There I scored a free Citizens First paper clip holder, a flash drive, and a calculator. Banks always have great free stuff. I was truly excited about my paper clip holder. It even came with dollar sign paper clips. Who wouldn't like that?

My parents took me back to my car and we went our separate ways. They went home; I went to Barnes & Noble. It's often a place for me to go when I'm not quite ready to go home yet and other stores have closed. I went with the intention to not buy any books, just to browse. Surprisingly, I passed up all of the fiction books and headed towards the back of the store. The back of the store=danger. Children's section! It's not a good idea for a kindergarten teacher to enter that territory. I actually didn't make it back there because the "Education" section directly before it caught my eye first. I sat down in the floor and made myself comfortable. I pulled out a couple of books on teaching students with Autism and started scanning the books. I was enjoying being by myself, in a quiet place, with a book. It was my idea of a nice end to a nice Friday night.
That all changed when a Natcher parent walked by the aisle and spotted me. I don't really even know this parent that well. She decided to stop and talk to me for some reason. Tonight was the longest conversation we had ever had. Usually it would be just a quick smile exchange or a "hi" when I would see her at school. She began asking me questions. Lots of them. "You're out alone on a Friday night? You're not out on a date!?! You're not dating anyone? Why are you not out on a date? You're sitting in the Education section? Why are you doing school work? It's a long weekend! You should be out having fun. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." She continued to bring the fact up that I wasn't out on a date. Yes, thank you for reminding me of that over and over. She also made some comment that she could be out by herself because she already had kids of her own. What!?! So, because she conquered finding a man and scored a couple of kids, she had done her duty and was entitled to be at a bookstore. Because I have not yet marked those items off my list, I should be out on a mission to find my husband so I could have some babies? Huh? I could feel my shoulders collapsing into myself. I was trying to keep a smile plastered across my face and nod politely, but really I just wanted for her to go away. To leave me alone. She was possibly trying to be friendly, probably just being nosy, but what she didn't realize is that she was actually just making me feel bad about myself. She then tells me she's at B&N with her friend, who is another Natcher parent. This parent I do know because I taught her kid a few years back. Great. This parent now shows up in the aisle. Here we go again. "I was just asking Ms. Marcum why she was sitting in the Education aisle on a Friday night! She's doing school work instead of going out and having fun..." The other parent that I knew better sat down in the aisle with me. Great. This means she's getting comfy. She must plan on staying for awhile. Just leave me alone!!!!! I was trying to be friendly and make polite conversation, but I just felt like crying. I rarely feel like crying.

After they finally said their goodbyes and left the aisle, I quickly put the books back on the shelf and left the store. I let their comments ruin my night. I was there to be by myself and get lost in some books for awhile, and that didn't happen. I was bothered by what they said and just wanted to go home. As I was driving home, I was reflecting on why their comments bothered me so much. Am I overly sensitive--more so than I thought? Do I just not like people I don't know well to ask me a lot of questions since I'm a private person? Do I still have some "sore spots" in my life?

It may not have so much been their comments/questions, but the way that they asked/said what they did. I just felt like I was being judged in a way. To me, they were really saying, "Wow. You really are a loser, Ms. Marcum. You're sitting in the floor at Barnes & Noble at 9:30 on a Friday night with your Natcher t-shirt on and you're all by YOURSELF! You must not have any friends. You're not even looking at a book for fun. You're reading school books! You will never find a date if you live your life like this! Hahahaha!"

I'm often baffled that people seem to be concerned that I'm alone. I have never had a problem with going places by myself. I live by myself and I'm capable of doing things by myself. While I greatly enjoy the company of others, sometimes others aren't available to do things. That shouldn't stop me from going out and doing things. If there is something I want to do, I will go do it. With or without someone. If that makes me a loser, then I'm a loser.

People are also concerned that I don't date. Sure, it would be great to have been on a date tonight, but I wasn't. I was at Barnes and Noble by myself. To me, that's an okay way to spend my Friday night. Why was that not okay to this lady? Why did she feel that I needed to be out on a date with someone? When others show concern over me being dateless it makes me begin to worry too. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. It makes me wonder if I will ever find someone. I hate feeling that way and I don't ever have those thoughts until someone begins to question me to make me have doubts.
They probably have theories now that I'm not only a loser, but also a lesbian. By the way; I'm not. I promise. I'm okay with where I'm at in my life. I wish everyone else would be okay with it too. Don't feel sorry for me for what I don't have. Be happy for what I do have. My time will come. I am being patient and am fine with waiting. If that makes me a loser, then I'm a loser.

Also, why did it concern them so much that I was in the education section? Education is my career. It's also a hobby. I enjoy it. I enjoy learning more about it. I love doing research and finding out new things. The day that I stop doing that is the day that I need to have a career change. I like looking at professional and reference books. I like doing a google search for kindergarten websites for ideas to use in my own classroom. If that makes me a loser, then I'm a loser.

This was a hard blog for me to write. I'm still kind of surprised with myself that this lady bothered me as much as she did. I guess I'm just tired of it. Tired of questions. Tired of remarks. Tired of looks. This is me. I don't feel that I should have to explain myself or feel guilty for doing what I want and like to do. I may be a loser in the eyes of some people, but if being a happy, successful, single woman sitting in the aisle at Barnes and Noble makes me a loser, then I'm proud to be a loser.